Can't shake the feeling that something is wrong

used to be a line from a song of mine. Can't remember last time I got to play an instrument. Tired of picking up after the dog and everything else instead.

A Lot Slower Than I Used To Be.

Been reading Larry Brown again. It used to be Kerouac, but he's long gone long. Too bad, opened his mouth and got his ass handed to him around my age. Guess I should be happy I am healthier than he was. But oh so injured.

Damned knee is giving me so much grief I barely notice the pain in my neck and back. Damned reading giving me so much pain, 'cause I am starting to remember what used to matter so much. Wonder if I can get back to writing? Been a few years now. Just got a glimpse of what I was supposed to do this life again.

But I'm so much older than I used to be......

Back To The Grind....

School starts this morning. I was only able to get like 3 hours sleep before waking up too stressed to go back to sleep. Have a Gened class and ground school. Then the rest of the day os spent with catching up my labs to get my certificate of completion...so I can go test with the FAA.

When is somebody going to invent liquid sleep? I sure need a half a six pack right now....

How Many More Mondays Are There These Week?

Got a headache around Thursday of last week and it has yet to go away. My stomach has been sick and churning since Friday...and it has yet to go away. Have done some stuff needed, but not a lot. The phone has gone insane (I hope thats good) and I am far, far behind in getting messages. They keep piling up on top of ones not yet checked.

Monday first got the news that the bottom end of the Miata is screwed. Time to yank the engine and rebuild it. No problem at all as far as doing the work. Problem is a seriuos lack of cash.

Today the truck seems to have ingested portions of its front brake system, meaning tomorrow is spent trying ot get it rolling before 6:00 p.m. I mean, for gods sake, that two vehicles killed in two days! And I thought I was going to get started on reviving the Jeep tomorrow.

Staying up all night to keep up with the Olympic Fencing events. Womens Sabre was a mess, they call that fencing? All hopping around and counterattack. No defense, no compound actions (unless they made some sort of mistake...). All flailing and counterattack. And these people laugh at epee? There have been more parries in epee than women's sabre...!

Women's Foil has to be just about the best Foil Fencing I have ever seen. The Gold Bout was beyond awesome. Men Epee Gold rocked also, so very much going on under the stinky, sweaty masks there! Didn't see much og M Sabre, but happy that some new country got up to mattering in it.

Women's epee has a cross-sectioon of actual epee fencers, and folks who must prefer foil, because they certainly fence like they have a foil in their hands. The epeeists seem to be taking them down. They ain't shown M Foil thus far, would like to see if it is as awesome as the women's foil group.

OK, sick again. Maybe I sleep.

Used To Be Ahead of the Curve

I used to be ahead of the curve. I always obsessed on my interests to the point of knowing more than anyone else I'd meet. It was good, it was progress in life.

Got in that car wreck and wrecked my brain. All for what? To pay rent and work and utterly boring job I hated that had nothing to do with my goals/ dreams. I sacrificed my hopes for the mundane and got stuck there. I dig through stuff as I move and see all sorts of glimpses of who I used to be, and the roads I was on. I have forgotten more on most subjects than most people ever know. What a sad/ weird truth that is.The only truth the last 15 years has focused on is the harder you work, the more you will get screwed for it.

Who knows what to be now, with this mixed bag of information, at this time in history and this age on life? I suppose it starts with knowing what you are and no longer want to be...? Hmmmm...what book to reread this 20 years later? Who has time, its been a year or more without my car. I need to find nmy books and fix it myself.

Hyacinth. Rootless and jammed into the bank.This I understand.