Time

Time has always been a problem for me. Its had gaps and holes and peices of itself tossed around all out of order. Its not exactly Slaughterhouse Five, there is no living of major events out of order, its just snips and peices bouncing off each other.

A clue finally presented itself. Something got knocked loss on December 15, 1988 at 12:45 p.m..That explains the visions from before this date reaching into the future after it. It also has some bearing on visions from the present reflecting so strongly back to the past. These fragments of time are somehow like peices of a puzzle. Its not just simple memory, there is a tangibility that can be felt to each peice being glimpsed.

Therefore, there is some sort of matter present as a part of time itself. Matter and energy can be exchanged, and thats what is happening. Maybe.

These flashes get stronger and weaker, and have begun to fall into something of a cyclic pattern, as I recognize more and more peices as I see them.

If I look directly at them, perhaps they won't drive me mad.I have seen a peice of what is not supposed to be and am not equipped to explain.

...And Then Some.

Finally got current on all back taxes. I expect to actually submit this year's taxes on time for the first time in like a decade.

Haven't worked on any of the THREE dead cars yet. Replaced a host of eletrical stuff on the Miata to no avial. The last thing I suspect is the timing belt skipped a few teeth. It's brand new too, so I can't imagine why it would do that- except that the cat acts EXACTLY like when I have broken other timing belts. It's a solid days work to inspect that part of things, and no problem menatlly to do so. The rain has finally stopped, so I could actually get working on it.

Motorcycle needs to be re-assembled and running so I can get the CHP inspection over with. Doesn't have to run right, just start and have turn signals and brake lights. I think I can get that done this week.

Have to finish dropping current math class, I am behind and need the time more than the credits. Will fgure that all out later.

Truck seems to have tossed a u-joint...hope it's not the output shaft of the transfer case. Strangely, if it is, it doesn't bother me to have to yank it out and fix that myself either.

Jeep needs smog now that fuel pump has been replaced. Geez, the other one was only 31 years old...why the fuck would it die now?!?!?! Might get it turned around soon.

Credit cards to deal with too. Thought that was all charged off and handled. Time to call my lawyers yet again.

Resume needs to be updated, will start this week. Have to have all these issues handled by the second week of December. The New Year has to start CLEAN. and it will.

It Is Finished.

I have passed all the Written, Oral and Practical Exams to obtain my A & P rating from the FAA. I was so exhausted I have slept most of the last two days. The sense of relief is great. No longer will I have to spend every damned waking moment digging into one or another book to study for the exams.

I have scouted a local airport for locations to apply, but much remains before I do....fixing THREE cars and a motorcycle, getting my resume updated for the first time in like 15 years. Paying off bills and finishing core classes towards the degree and a host of other things. The plan being to have all in place by January to look during the first quater of the year.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel after all....

So Tired

I have finished all my Written Exams. Now only have the Oral and Practical Exams left. If I can survive this and next week, I finally have the certifcations I need to change my life for the better. No more jobs, finally a career. Finally I will no longer be a coach, surviving day to day on everybody else's expectations without any of them putting WORK in. I dream of the freedom I'll have to pursue things that interest me, instead of spending every waking moment worried about "the business" and all sorts of useless crap.

I see no reason I can't pass the Exams with flying colors other than my own stress. I have thrown up every morning and day for a number of weeks. I am so exhausted as a result. I need this done so I can get sleep/ rest and start looking for an actual paying job.

The past is nearly over.

No Major Change

When I was younger, I excelled at life because I kept re-inventing myself by augmenting who I was and where I was going. That all seemed to die in it's tracks when I made the biggest change of all by moving from Florida to California. It's been a constant slog to survive ever since.

Weirdly, even where I moved FROM had it's day in the sun with bands getting signed from the area. Of course, I missed everything I was aiming for by two years. It became the story of my life.

I am finally nearly re-invented again. I am much more tired than ever before, and fighting leaving the comfort of what I created two decades ago for something/ anything NEW and challenging.

Much done and one and a third steps left to finish the new invention.

I spend much time thinking of what should have been and why it didn't happen. Need to clamp down a little harder and move again for the first time in years. In my mind, much that wouldn't matter for day to day life is again brewing. I want it to take over from day to day life....so I can live agaain.

Dreams I'm Never Going To See.

21 years ago I gave up on everything I had workd towards, everything I cared about and everything I dreamed for to take the path of running a center where people could learn to Fence.

I've made a number of great friends that I care about, and that care about me.

Over the years I've watched most everyone else I know reach their dreams.Many hve thanked me for my part in getting there, which is nice. I am left with the ruins of a once great idea for my involvement in Fencing. It didn't make it.

I would have been happy to play loud guitar and die young.I would have been happy to feel how music performed feels. I am not happy now, outside of the woman I love who married me.

Youth is truely wasted on the young.

Grumpy Again

Labs ain't done, less to do now, but they keep getting handed back to me.

Jeep runs.

Miata is throwing error codes and costing me money.

math class is killing me.

All is normal.

No Joy Yet.

Got a running Jeep, needs to be driven and loosened up a bit before smogging. No money left to do so.

Got most of the Miata issues done, 75% of engine swap done. No money to finish it.

Haven't touched bicycle repair I need to do yet, will start riding other bikes soon instead. Doesn't take much money, just time to finish this.

Haven't studied for school at all in three weeks. Maybe this is actually good. I was sick of it all. Can't wait to kick the nuts off the last labs and be done with this portion of the process.

Sleep.