The Trouble

The trouble with consoling someone facing death is that it brings you crashing face to face with your own mortality. You end up taking stock of all the stupid chices and incidents that have injured you and calculate how much time will be deducted as a result.

30 years ago when AIDS ravaged the land, many of my friends passed away, both gay and straight. I sent much time handing out comfort. I discovered that while I was good at it, the toll it took on me afterwards was overwhelming. Thus, I could never go into medicine.

One doesn't think at a young age about their parents, and the generation that was told smoking was good for them....upon reaching the late evening of life. I'm not ready for this yet.

I have no choice, and am already exhausted.

See What I Mean?

I saw to day that California has approved giving finacial add to ILLEGAL ALIENS.

GGGRRREEEAATTTT....I can't get the last 3 classes I need because they are jammed with Illegals each semester, now the state wants to take MY TAX DOLLARS and give it to the same illegals that are preventing me from completing my own education.

ASSHOLES.

La Raza is the American Taliban.

Why?

Why do I even bother? The rewards certainly don't match the effort by any means.

I Hate Cars

The car we bought in December won't start. It comes and goes with the problem, but its still there.

Got a fancy warranty with the car, which didn't cover the first time it was repaired. Cost me 750 bucks.

Failed again, within a couple of weeks. Dealer is too stupid to replace the ignition switch. Known problem on these cars at this milage.

I wish to hell we had never bought this car. I can't blame the car, but I do blame the half-wit techs working on it. I suspect my wife will never like the car once its back.

I have to sell at least two cars, I have too many sitting around in variuos states. I planned to sell the oldest to pay for flight lessons, but if I don't get a 9-5 soon, it will go to pay bills. I have owned it 20 or more years, hate to see it go that way.....

Hopeless/ Hopeful?

Made small progress on employment at the firm I want to work for. They are almost impossible to get an interview with if you don't have an inside contact. Money has more than run out. Last months bills still aren't paid, I have very little due in for payments to me this month. Its all going to crash in the next two months. I guess instead of bettering myself with all this study and schooling, I will be trying to just hold on like I was doing before all the work. Why bother?

Always Too Much

Father is ill, doesn't look like he is long for this world. Haven't found work in my new field yet. Have given up 2/3rds of my business to try and save my sanity. Want to be in the game again, and don't know how to work for someone else after all these years of being self-employed. Stress is killing me, exhaustion is killing me. Why is nothing actually killing me? Weird. Often forget log-in to blogger. Away again as ever.

Time

Time has always been a problem for me. Its had gaps and holes and peices of itself tossed around all out of order. Its not exactly Slaughterhouse Five, there is no living of major events out of order, its just snips and peices bouncing off each other.

A clue finally presented itself. Something got knocked loss on December 15, 1988 at 12:45 p.m..That explains the visions from before this date reaching into the future after it. It also has some bearing on visions from the present reflecting so strongly back to the past. These fragments of time are somehow like peices of a puzzle. Its not just simple memory, there is a tangibility that can be felt to each peice being glimpsed.

Therefore, there is some sort of matter present as a part of time itself. Matter and energy can be exchanged, and thats what is happening. Maybe.

These flashes get stronger and weaker, and have begun to fall into something of a cyclic pattern, as I recognize more and more peices as I see them.

If I look directly at them, perhaps they won't drive me mad.I have seen a peice of what is not supposed to be and am not equipped to explain.

...And Then Some.

Finally got current on all back taxes. I expect to actually submit this year's taxes on time for the first time in like a decade.

Haven't worked on any of the THREE dead cars yet. Replaced a host of eletrical stuff on the Miata to no avial. The last thing I suspect is the timing belt skipped a few teeth. It's brand new too, so I can't imagine why it would do that- except that the cat acts EXACTLY like when I have broken other timing belts. It's a solid days work to inspect that part of things, and no problem menatlly to do so. The rain has finally stopped, so I could actually get working on it.

Motorcycle needs to be re-assembled and running so I can get the CHP inspection over with. Doesn't have to run right, just start and have turn signals and brake lights. I think I can get that done this week.

Have to finish dropping current math class, I am behind and need the time more than the credits. Will fgure that all out later.

Truck seems to have tossed a u-joint...hope it's not the output shaft of the transfer case. Strangely, if it is, it doesn't bother me to have to yank it out and fix that myself either.

Jeep needs smog now that fuel pump has been replaced. Geez, the other one was only 31 years old...why the fuck would it die now?!?!?! Might get it turned around soon.

Credit cards to deal with too. Thought that was all charged off and handled. Time to call my lawyers yet again.

Resume needs to be updated, will start this week. Have to have all these issues handled by the second week of December. The New Year has to start CLEAN. and it will.

It Is Finished.

I have passed all the Written, Oral and Practical Exams to obtain my A & P rating from the FAA. I was so exhausted I have slept most of the last two days. The sense of relief is great. No longer will I have to spend every damned waking moment digging into one or another book to study for the exams.

I have scouted a local airport for locations to apply, but much remains before I do....fixing THREE cars and a motorcycle, getting my resume updated for the first time in like 15 years. Paying off bills and finishing core classes towards the degree and a host of other things. The plan being to have all in place by January to look during the first quater of the year.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel after all....

So Tired

I have finished all my Written Exams. Now only have the Oral and Practical Exams left. If I can survive this and next week, I finally have the certifcations I need to change my life for the better. No more jobs, finally a career. Finally I will no longer be a coach, surviving day to day on everybody else's expectations without any of them putting WORK in. I dream of the freedom I'll have to pursue things that interest me, instead of spending every waking moment worried about "the business" and all sorts of useless crap.

I see no reason I can't pass the Exams with flying colors other than my own stress. I have thrown up every morning and day for a number of weeks. I am so exhausted as a result. I need this done so I can get sleep/ rest and start looking for an actual paying job.

The past is nearly over.

No Major Change

When I was younger, I excelled at life because I kept re-inventing myself by augmenting who I was and where I was going. That all seemed to die in it's tracks when I made the biggest change of all by moving from Florida to California. It's been a constant slog to survive ever since.

Weirdly, even where I moved FROM had it's day in the sun with bands getting signed from the area. Of course, I missed everything I was aiming for by two years. It became the story of my life.

I am finally nearly re-invented again. I am much more tired than ever before, and fighting leaving the comfort of what I created two decades ago for something/ anything NEW and challenging.

Much done and one and a third steps left to finish the new invention.

I spend much time thinking of what should have been and why it didn't happen. Need to clamp down a little harder and move again for the first time in years. In my mind, much that wouldn't matter for day to day life is again brewing. I want it to take over from day to day life....so I can live agaain.

Dreams I'm Never Going To See.

21 years ago I gave up on everything I had workd towards, everything I cared about and everything I dreamed for to take the path of running a center where people could learn to Fence.

I've made a number of great friends that I care about, and that care about me.

Over the years I've watched most everyone else I know reach their dreams.Many hve thanked me for my part in getting there, which is nice. I am left with the ruins of a once great idea for my involvement in Fencing. It didn't make it.

I would have been happy to play loud guitar and die young.I would have been happy to feel how music performed feels. I am not happy now, outside of the woman I love who married me.

Youth is truely wasted on the young.

Grumpy Again

Labs ain't done, less to do now, but they keep getting handed back to me.

Jeep runs.

Miata is throwing error codes and costing me money.

math class is killing me.

All is normal.

No Joy Yet.

Got a running Jeep, needs to be driven and loosened up a bit before smogging. No money left to do so.

Got most of the Miata issues done, 75% of engine swap done. No money to finish it.

Haven't touched bicycle repair I need to do yet, will start riding other bikes soon instead. Doesn't take much money, just time to finish this.

Haven't studied for school at all in three weeks. Maybe this is actually good. I was sick of it all. Can't wait to kick the nuts off the last labs and be done with this portion of the process.

Sleep.

No Bike Ride Yet....

Was getting nowhere with lab projects, and ran short on cash. Got with instructor to let him know I will be back to finish last 14 labs in January. I am tired of having to wait on everybody else all the time. That's a major part of why I was behind in the first place. Can't wait to be clear of it all and done. Not even thinking about getting work afterwards anymore. Just want to finish first.

Teaching for myself is done for a few more weeks. I need a break, with time as my own. Even if it is all spent rebuilding dead cars and bicycles. I have a desire for a motorcycle, but hope to just wait until July or so. If all goes according to plan now, the gas savngs alone should more than help my budget issues and allow for the motorcycle I really want by then.

Jeep is running under it's own power. Money too short to finish up and smog for now. Shouldn't take much to get it current with DMV again. Want it to be ready for summer this year. My perspective is that if the place catches on fire, at least I can start it up and get it clear of thebuilding. Need I mention two counts of arson at this complex since moving here...? Yeah, it COULD happen.


Tearing madly into Miata to repair it. Two places said the bottom end froze, and the noise was crank bearings. Over a two year span with little money I have collected a short block, clutch and various other stuff to right all the cars wrongs all at once.Today, I found the crankshaft pulley bolt tightened...but the pulley LOOSE on the crank nose. This is the sound I have been hearing, and would explain much on why the car wasn't running right. The crank sensor doesn't line up correctly among other things. I could tighten the bolt and/ or fix whatever the issue is...but after all this time/ expense, the new block is going into the car. No more fucking around with this crap, it's getting replaced. I can always do a supercharger build out of the original bottom end at this point. A few small parts still need to be replaced, hopefully while everything is taken apart and easy to get at. Would like to replace front sway bar while I'm in here. Don't know about it all yet. All gets back to money. And maybe some welding.

Truck is last in line for repair. Bushings in suspension are dead. After finding issue on Miata today, I suspect I will never be going back to garage that had been doing my repairs. They were great at first, but each repair was increasingly rushed it seemed. Debating teling owner about it all. He seems to be a nice guy and honest. I really don't want to deal with truck bushings, as I can't see how to safely jack up the damned thing and get them installed. Oh well, I have one other place that could probably do it easy enough.

If I reach a halt point on the Miata I will jump into the bicycle paint repair. I am sick to death of how my poor bike looks. I need to ride more, so it needs to be fixed soon. I used to live for riding at night at this time of the year. I miss it all.

Much to do before allowing myself the joy of any bike ride. When the car is current and drivable, I can ride again. A week or so maybe at this point?

Fiberglass Project

It's the fiberglass project slowing me down now. Too damned cold in the garage to work on it after a certain time of the day. Got about 60% of it done, and off to school to see what else is going on for the things I've already turned in. Hope there are no more corrections to do on them and I can get to the next step of things. All this make-up work is taking far too long.I can't see it done until January now, even though I will work for sooner. December is such a crap month to deal with, why must everything close down?

Light...or not?

Taxes dealt with. Pending taxes being dealt with.

Jeep being dealt with, until disaster stuck commute truck.

Truck repeatedly dealt with. Seems handled.

School project not going well, will be dealt with.

Considering how to deal with tiny car not driven for a number of years.

Garage cleaned up enough to function in and purged of some stuff I no longer need. Still more to deal with.


That might be light at the end of the tunnel, or my own reflection in a darkened mirror horrifing me. With Poe, you never know...do you?

It's all About Food

I haven't been able to figure out my Blogger password in some time, since the Google take-over. I had nothing to say either. I used to surf blogs and find much interesting and fun....but that seems to be a thing of the past. Now the only thing I seem to find are 1. Cooking Blogs, and 2. Spoiled rich girls dropping out of coillege to travel/ find themselves/ recover or whatever else one does when daddy's money foots the bill.


Life for me remains a constant strain of making up schoolwork and bills. Is it ever going to change?

Worse than I thought. Much worse.

I have been going through what the business earned and cost for the last few years and I have been majorly losing my ass. I can't see how I stayed ahead of the basic bills, but can see why I am not getting ahead at all. Nothing short of a miracle could save this thing now. The rents are higher than ever (like 6 times higher than when moving into the locations), and income has dropped like 65% from a high point like 5 years ago (about when I moved in).

Two years ago I got in a bad wreck once again, and I am sure it addled my thinking, this seems to prove it even more. Geez, even if I were working a 9-5 job this wouldn't be worth it...why should I take such major amounts of money out of my pocket so everybody else can have fun? It sure doesn't make the whole deal fun for me.Now I need major investment in equipment just to hold even. I don't think that's going to happen now.

I need a steady job, even at minimum wage it would be a huge improvement on things now. Perhaps a night job until I finish school...? I can't sort it all out this late.

Why....

are all the people in my life who understood the progression of certain arts through certain histories to the present all dead? Why not the half-assed morons with even more half-wit off-spring? Why DO the good die young?