Moving and Profoundly Sad

It came as a surprise. A small house nearby went vacant, and the rent is close to what we pay now, so we signed the papers today to move in to it.

I started moving things a load at a time. It was too hot. I find myself profoundly sad to the core. For my apartment...

I havelived here for like 15 years, god knows how that happened. I was a destroyed wreck when I moved in and it was supposed to be a short stay until I got on my feet. I was in my 30's and now I am in my 40's. I realized today that for th termites, the broken everything, the floods, the bug infestations...the crazed weirdo neighbors...whatever....this has been my home longer than any other building I have ever lived in.

Its grown too small for even myself. I can't get anything done bcause of it. I sit paralilyzed for hours as a result. But still, it was my place to go hide.I lived here when my dreams of music died. I lived here when I stabbed at wiriting novels and fell hort of my own standards. I lived here when I wanted to die. I lived here when my mother did die. I lived here from when my little car Evie was new, until she was falling apart at nearly 300,000 miles. I lived here through many,many very bad times, and some good ones.I have rebuilt a number of engines, fixed friends cars, gone round and round upon my own and even completley restored my Jeep while here. I amglad I haven't sold the Jeep...I need that peice of the past to have a future.

None of the troubles were the fault of this modest little apartment. Things happened here I guess. Its going to be so strange to come "home" to another place, and still be able to see my apartment. It will be so weird to live in a house. I haven't lived in one since 1979.

I will miss the stream out back that calmed me, and also flooded the apartment. I won'tmiss the fucking annoying neighbors dogs that bark if I get up at night and go to the bathroom. I won't miss the asshole high schoolers playing hokey out back.

I will miss my apartment, quite badly it seems. I should be moving more stuff out, but instead I will go to bed.The Girl is at work tonight, so its one last night so very alone, as so many I spent here...in my apartment.