The Past.

Fear is the mother of violence. Fear seperates by class and race, usually with good reason.

Music was all I ever wanted, drugs everything I hated. Cocaine cowboys destroyed the Florida I loved. A Florida of boats, ships and old planes lumbering around for the hell of it. Turned everything into a drug deal. I hated coke, coke users and coke dealers. And they were everywhere.

I left.

I wanted no part of any of it. I stopped talking to people that had been close friends because of it. Anything to stay away from it.

It replaced most of what I valued. I remember being in California the first time I saw Miami Vice and was thinking how toned down from reality it was, when the people in the room started laughing at it for being so wild. That's when you keep your mouth shut. No one would believe you anyway.

I hate the coke heads who provided the demand most. You destroyed nightlife, art, music, clubs...everything. Then you had your yuppie dreams that ran over life how it was meant to be. Blowing coke up your nose, going to church and voting republicain like your frat buddies did too. And all these years later you are so respectable.

Guess its yet another reason I want the borders to be more secure. Remember how bad it all got after Castro dumped all those criminals on us? No....? Is it any surprise I carry so much anger towards illegals who have nearly killed me a couple of times from behind the wheel?

My anger and indignation knows few bounds. If only there was a way to make those bastards who destroyed the good part of America pay for it in their own blood. Somebody should replinish the vaults of blood, sweat and tears that it took to create the place the first time.

There are few of that kind of people left. I recently meet one, but even he is getting old. I just barely remember what they look like. I'm not, I have just been trying to survive.

Bastards.

Timing is Everything.

I've spent a LOT of time this last week looking at videos of the Metal scene of the early 80's. With Prog roots, I happened to sound more like Motorhead that Marillion, which was fine by me. Both were great bands.

I cashed it out and burned all the bridges and moved to California to be involved. Problem was, three weeks before the move, after the fires were raging, the destination changed from LA to Stockton because of my future roomate. That was all fine for HIM, but looking at the timing of it all, it neatly kept me 400 miles from where I NEEDED to be at the time. The fincial trama of the move and car troubles buried me so I might just as well have stayed in Florida. In fact, seeing what CRAP came out of the area four years after I left means I might have actually had a chance even there.

I always seem to have a feel for what is coming next, in music and every other thing that interests me. When I used to hang it all out to dry, put all my eggs in one basket, etc....I usually achieved things. Now I have a CROP of projects at all levels that needs finshing. I am trying to remember how to live for today and just do things.

Some choices might seem weird- like the desire to paint my somewhat abused 4 x 4 in an olive drab type green with a flat black hood. It already looks like its out to run over you, why not go with it?

So many projects, so little time, er...money. Someday. Someday hopefully soon.

One of the good things.....

...about life is the fact that I realized the business was in for a downfall some two years ago when the economy started to go bad. That prompted me to enroll in school to be able to go to something else if need be. I am now 6 labs away from completing two of three major portions of the program. I wonder if I can pound them out next week? Time will tell. When they are all done I still have to test with the FAA, but that shouldn't prove overly hard. The instruction has been amazing, so I should pass with flying colors.

After all this is done and I am working there are two plans (after bills are caught up, of course), a camera that will do what I need it to do, and software to go with it- and flying lessons. BOTH of which will be saved for in advance and then done non-stop so as to achieve them faster.

Things in history class today got me to thinking more about the fact that I have been in business for like 16 years and never taken a loan out to keep things going. Guess I have actually done better than 99.999999% of people who ever go into business. BUT...I have a bent for my next business. Still in planning stages, but someday....;<>!

Never a dose of Sanity again....

I never really liked The Beatles. I did like George Harrison. Seemed like he was a dose of sanity in his own bright hearted way.

Perhaps I am depressed at how long he's been gone. It's been like 7 years now or something? I sure could use a new album from him. They always seems to hit the spot, like a cup of good tea on a warm morning. I miss tea too I guess.

Brainwashed.

Might be the end I see coming....

So...the owner of the facility I call the main location wants to "reveiw the rent" again. That's his code for raising it. Each time he does so, its usually to the turn of a couple of hundred dollars a month. If it gets raised this time, I think its time to kill the business. Well, more to the point, I can't afford it and need some income. HE gets paid and I make enough to get gas to get to and from the classes. I could be working nights and finish school and do better than this. Probably make school work a lot easier without the constant strain of what 40 students need to work on.

Let's see, three years ago the gross was 4 times higher than now, and there was a group of about 10 competing members out spreading the word about their group. The facility kept pushing back our starting time to an unreasonable hour where it is now. I don't want to try teaching this late, everyone is too tired and ready for bed by then. Performance has dropped through the floor, as has participation. They won't take part of Fridays, and not outside the group at all.

That's 16 years of work to get nowhere fast. I find by asking that our group is as big or bigger than some other local ones, but the others go show their colors out there. We are a ghost, dead to the world and a thing of the past at this point. It takes money to bring a ghost back to life, and I have zero left. Had it not been for the wife paying rent at home....this would have all ended a year ago.

The real focus has to remain on finishing school, as its becoming very clear there is no future with the current set-up. I feel so stupid for breaking myself for this...I hope at least someone later figures out how good they had it. Should I have never done it and let everyone drive 91 miles each way for a lesson like I had to? No matter how much I want it to survive (with or without me, future job permitting), it appears there will be no legacy to all my sacrifice.

Currently, not counting what taxes would take, I am making $5.83 an hour to take on all this stress. Gezz, Minimum wage in the state is $8.00 an hour. I could work at McBlandburgers and make more than I make now......I really needed this depression today, didn't I?
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Post script- Yes, the rent has been raised.

Dog Gone.

In a stunning first intelligent move of the Iraq war, the US government has allowed a dog seperated from its soldier owner to come to the US to be with its owner.

World wide reaction to this stunning flash of common sense has paralyzed the news services, many of whom simply ignored the story.

Welcome to America, you Dog you!

Headache From Hell

I have had a headache for 4 days straight now. Not a little one that goes away, but an ever increasing one that is killing me. The Friday mid-term was hell to handle as a result. Sleep isn't helping much, and my eyes won't focus right. I think maybe this is a concussion from getting whacked in the head on Wed or so. I hate head injuries.

Bitter as Hell.

This is the future we all dreaded in 1981. The others actually turned out to be right. I was the hopeful one.

My best friends of youth all dead, useless wars abound.

Morons of the first magnitude joust for the role of leadership.

Africa gives nothing to the world except aids. Those doe eyed kids from 81? Thier haulin AK's and making as many kids as they like with no end to the killing. Why did we bother? Why should we again?

Machines improve the killing.

Music has gone down the drain.

There are no heros, no poets for the times. There is no sacrifice to the alter of the bigger picture of what really matters.

Why bother anymore? No place left to hide. Nothing you can do against the mind-numbed world of the internet.

Teachers send you to the internet without regard for verification? WTF?!?!?!?!?

Dreams cruished by PC attitudes, the bastard child of yuppie bullshit. The actual children self-serving assholes of the highest magnitude. What happened to the energy of youth? The economy of cashing in on it...? can you say "Hot Topic"?

How could it have all turned out so badly?

Honor a Soldier, Save Her Dog!!!

Seems like when you put your life on the line for your country, the least they could do is allow you to save one small soul (o.k., a dog's soul...) yourself. There is a link in the title and from it a link to a petition to reunite a hard-working solider and her dog!

I Am A Thing Of The Past.

It's true. I have been passed over by time. Of course, long ago I obsessed with history, art, music, etc......

While I have adapted and re-invented myself over and over again, I have no desire to do so yet again. The ghosts of my past haunt me so. Too many lives gone, lives that I once knew. Aids, murder, premature death. They scar me.Gains me nothing now, need to find a way to keep it from wasting so much of my mind's time.Working on re-inventing now, but that seems to bring me current to maybe the mid 70's or so. Perhaps cutting edge is the world I should pursue to finally get somewhere meaningful.

But now I find that nothing I liked impresses me any longer at all. To say I have lost the fire to create isn't exactly correct, but it needs to be applied and marketable at this point. Bizzillions of people create things of low to no merit. I want more.

It seems a shame, but the world of video games has run rampant over every other artform/ activity.I hate virtual worlds, unless they have a real world application. Now it seems, if one wants to excel and create, it must be done at the feet of the video game.

Maybe a place so far from everything that you have to make your own power wouldn't be bad. Maybe a life without technology like this wouldn't be bad.

Wish I could sleep.

3.5 Years

So there I was at the Miramar Air Show, chatting with a Harrier pilot. He was a young fellow, no more than 25 years old. In course of conversation I asked how long he had been flying. For some reason I expected to hear he soloed at 16 and that sort of thing. Instead, his answer was "About three and a half years, been flying the Harrier for a year now."

GEEZ!

It all rather sunk in later. Yes, I have made some progress in life over the last couple of years, but I ceratinly didin't go from nothing to piloting something like the Harrier.

OK, gotta make the NEXT 3.5 years count. I have already taken some steps towards making them count as a result of this realization.......