Wow, Just wow.

Blogger died the death when Facebook happened. It got reduced to even more pictures of cats than FB had. Oddly, as it is so ignored in the USA, it seems to have grown into something else viable for the rest of the world. I used to love reading it to see the sort of things people in other parts of the world were interested in. It sort of replaced the missing world of shortwave radio. Now, however, it has some sort of search function that guides you to sites that match the last one you looked at. You go to a site about ford trucks, all you end up seeing is ford trucks. I don't like this at all. I want my random back, I want to explore, not shop interests.

Nobody I know still uses Blogger, so maybe its safe enough to say the things I want to say around here. Sometimes happy, lots of times disgusted and grumpy....but its my page. Wonder if I could ever recover my original one from all those years ago, just to see where things were at?

Used to follow all sorts of blogs, as people are interesting. Most are long since gone now. Weird how some are still around. Funny how some of them that were late teens, early 20's haven't grown up enough to know that what they did at 14 isn't cool at 32 and that they really aren't hip and cool anymore. Even more than my generation, many are really stuck on the whole grunge era thing....but fat and dumpy in plaid with glasses isn't the same as their once lithe and attractive selves used to be. It's not just looks, they have grown more cynical as they have grown and found out nobody gives a damn about what they say or think. You see them in the bars and cafe's around here. Still with their Macs/ iPads and speaking a little too loudly for their seats- so everybody will hear what they think. Good thing you got that degree in Art...like 300,000 other losers without a drop of talent. How is that job at Walmart anyway? Better get home, that rugrat you had after a drunken night with a guy you never liked in the first place is waiting for you. Poor bastards. It's called Life. It may not be fair, but it is actually ironic most of the time.....

Was going to change my screen name here...but I still have the Miata and am happy with it. Other cars since then.....often not so much. The Miata hails from a simpler and happier time. Need to drive it more again.

Wow.

Been involved in a huge project for a year. Got some acclaim for it, and zero pay. Few people will ever have the chance to do what I have done. Facing a court date for the armed attack I survived. Looking to find a job, which seems like the story of my life. Might take a lower wage one to just have income, and use my skills on my own projects. I have countless talents from all my years in business, and everybody wants them for free. I am the wrong race, the wrong age and the wrong everything to be paid for what I can do. I was born white, which means I can pay the way for everybody else's dreams. Screw their dreams.

I went back to my first post on this blog. It was created because somebody found my other one, and thought what I wrote was about them. They got all upset, so I removed it from the internet. I can't remember who it was, or who the posts they got upset about were even about. This blog has changed names/ directions a number of times. I am not so hopeful about life anymore; I've gone from being young to being old with no middle ground in-between. My chronic pain is most of the reason why. I rarely enjoy the same things I did when I started this blog, and I miss that. I feel every-increasingly shackled with life. I drove past the high school I went to decades ago, and there was a football game going on. Some big rivalry with a school that didn't exist when I was young. It looked the same as decades ago, save the fashions. So many of my friends from those years are dead. So many friends I made since then seem to have gone fucking crazy. I am more alone than I was at 16. I make myself crazy. No longer can I listen to the world on shortwave radio- the internet killed it. All that is left is an impossible numbers of cat photos to avoid it seems.

Nobody will ever see these words.

Another Year Gone

Not much has been positive. Not much has been good. I am angry, when do I get a break in life? Why the constant bills, the constant everything popping up out of the clear blue without warning? Everytime I think I have my affairs in order, something I have never heard of falls onto me.

I don't think that anybody who knows me knows this blog exists. They all stopped blogging a long time ago, and also following blogs. I am shocked at how many people I know seem to have gone batfuckingcrackers insane in the last 6 years. Really? Because that was never your politics before you meet this last woman. The word is now "Pussywhipped".  Think and speak for yourself. I have changed. A lot. I no longer suffer fools and idiots for even a moment. Fuck everything.

Sick

Being diagnosed Diabetic last year certainly hasn't made life easier. I struggle to control it with diet and one pill. I am pretty certain when I got helath insurance again they'll be tossing me onto insulin. One of the things I most dreaded in life. When do I get a break?

Nobody ever reads this anyway. I am so bored being at home all day that I can't stand it. Too much still lives in boxes from the move. I get what I can put away each day- but it seems endless. So much to give to donations just to make space. I feel guilty giving away stuff my parents worked to buy. Then again, they seem to have been giving away tons of money to all kinds of places each year. I am really fucking sick and tired of telling someone on the phone my parents are dead...only to have them hard sell me on giving me more money. Screw them all at this point. Nobody has been giving me money...EVER. Nobody has given me food or shelter, and there were times when things got really bad for me. It's time everybody else had to make their own way like I have. I have found 80% of the materials I need to get a decent resume' and start looking for work. What a pain, 2500 miles from all my contacts and resources for actually finding work in a new field. Have to do it, or all the grief of schooling wasn't worth it.

Don't know what this fancy box on the "Compose" Screen is for. Why oh why do computer programers have to constantly change things? If it works, stop fixing it. God only knows how I can get my life in gear agan, spending ever so much time trying to stay current with things like FB, Blogger and even my damned e-mail.

Progress

The Jeep I struggled to fix and never sell has made it to Florida, along with a couple of other cars and 50% of what we own. There are issues to be sure down there, but at least there is also hope. Will have to plan things out for visits back to California for the important things. Time to start boxing up the rest of the stuff we own and get ready to make the jump to living in Florida. Leave the mess called California behind. Weird. This never got published a year ago...

Wow, been gone from Blogging a long time. So much has changed in life in the last year. Blogger, once again, has changed EVERYTHING...making it that much harder to use. No longer a Californian. Very tired and depressed. Trying to get unpacked from the transcountry move still. Need something new. Hoped to catch up with many old friends, and haven't spoken to but two or three of them. I need somebdy to talk to...

Figures.

I have been buried under estate related crap. A major portion of the money he had saved have been spent on the trivial things, while the large things all seem to have gone easily. I am even more tired now. I look back over this blog, and it was supposed to help me feel like I had made progress in life while over-coming my issues. It falls short on that.

I used to follow and read a number of blogs. All are gone without a trace now. I wonder if those folks are okay? I hate the day that blogger turned into a place to put up photos of your fucking cat or children. It used to be interesting.

I have found that internet explorer increasingly doesn't want to do the simple tasks...such as go to websites or do anything with pressing buttons. Its whatever the new version is, and I have to say I hate it. I have been using IE since it was created, but may be forced to dump it soon. Its as bad as the iPad I got that won't play anything flash related. Thanks, I can't check my e-mails or surf most of the stuff I need as a result. Steve Jobs is a bigger prick than Gates ever was...

Packing to leave the state and move to Florida. So many people I know are doing well there. I need to be surrounded by that, instead of the daily struggle to not get run over by illegal aliens that I have now. I am about 45% packed, with a major spring cleaning being done as I pack. I guess that puts me at 50% overall, counting what I no longer own and won't have to move. Planning on a U-Haul trip in the next few weeks, hopefully matching two autos being transported by semi to the new home and life. Once moved will begin to look for A & P work, figuring that handling an out of state parents death is a reasonable reason for a gap between getting the Cert and searching for work.

Changes

Figures, it was 10 days after my last post when my father died.

My company has been handed off to a top student, I retain a night a week until December. The 20 year old website is no longer posted. There will be no new students for me. I am almost done with the sport that has provided some enjoyment and much grief over the last 20 years.

I am leaving this sport and leaving the state I live in. Its too much, too many illegals getting the world handed to them at my expense. Back to where I came from...where I will defend my property and rights to the death against them all.

The Trouble

The trouble with consoling someone facing death is that it brings you crashing face to face with your own mortality. You end up taking stock of all the stupid chices and incidents that have injured you and calculate how much time will be deducted as a result.

30 years ago when AIDS ravaged the land, many of my friends passed away, both gay and straight. I sent much time handing out comfort. I discovered that while I was good at it, the toll it took on me afterwards was overwhelming. Thus, I could never go into medicine.

One doesn't think at a young age about their parents, and the generation that was told smoking was good for them....upon reaching the late evening of life. I'm not ready for this yet.

I have no choice, and am already exhausted.

See What I Mean?

I saw to day that California has approved giving finacial add to ILLEGAL ALIENS.

GGGRRREEEAATTTT....I can't get the last 3 classes I need because they are jammed with Illegals each semester, now the state wants to take MY TAX DOLLARS and give it to the same illegals that are preventing me from completing my own education.

ASSHOLES.

La Raza is the American Taliban.

Why?

Why do I even bother? The rewards certainly don't match the effort by any means.

I Hate Cars

The car we bought in December won't start. It comes and goes with the problem, but its still there.

Got a fancy warranty with the car, which didn't cover the first time it was repaired. Cost me 750 bucks.

Failed again, within a couple of weeks. Dealer is too stupid to replace the ignition switch. Known problem on these cars at this milage.

I wish to hell we had never bought this car. I can't blame the car, but I do blame the half-wit techs working on it. I suspect my wife will never like the car once its back.

I have to sell at least two cars, I have too many sitting around in variuos states. I planned to sell the oldest to pay for flight lessons, but if I don't get a 9-5 soon, it will go to pay bills. I have owned it 20 or more years, hate to see it go that way.....

Hopeless/ Hopeful?

Made small progress on employment at the firm I want to work for. They are almost impossible to get an interview with if you don't have an inside contact. Money has more than run out. Last months bills still aren't paid, I have very little due in for payments to me this month. Its all going to crash in the next two months. I guess instead of bettering myself with all this study and schooling, I will be trying to just hold on like I was doing before all the work. Why bother?

Always Too Much

Father is ill, doesn't look like he is long for this world. Haven't found work in my new field yet. Have given up 2/3rds of my business to try and save my sanity. Want to be in the game again, and don't know how to work for someone else after all these years of being self-employed. Stress is killing me, exhaustion is killing me. Why is nothing actually killing me? Weird. Often forget log-in to blogger. Away again as ever.

Time

Time has always been a problem for me. Its had gaps and holes and peices of itself tossed around all out of order. Its not exactly Slaughterhouse Five, there is no living of major events out of order, its just snips and peices bouncing off each other.

A clue finally presented itself. Something got knocked loss on December 15, 1988 at 12:45 p.m..That explains the visions from before this date reaching into the future after it. It also has some bearing on visions from the present reflecting so strongly back to the past. These fragments of time are somehow like peices of a puzzle. Its not just simple memory, there is a tangibility that can be felt to each peice being glimpsed.

Therefore, there is some sort of matter present as a part of time itself. Matter and energy can be exchanged, and thats what is happening. Maybe.

These flashes get stronger and weaker, and have begun to fall into something of a cyclic pattern, as I recognize more and more peices as I see them.

If I look directly at them, perhaps they won't drive me mad.I have seen a peice of what is not supposed to be and am not equipped to explain.

...And Then Some.

Finally got current on all back taxes. I expect to actually submit this year's taxes on time for the first time in like a decade.

Haven't worked on any of the THREE dead cars yet. Replaced a host of eletrical stuff on the Miata to no avial. The last thing I suspect is the timing belt skipped a few teeth. It's brand new too, so I can't imagine why it would do that- except that the cat acts EXACTLY like when I have broken other timing belts. It's a solid days work to inspect that part of things, and no problem menatlly to do so. The rain has finally stopped, so I could actually get working on it.

Motorcycle needs to be re-assembled and running so I can get the CHP inspection over with. Doesn't have to run right, just start and have turn signals and brake lights. I think I can get that done this week.

Have to finish dropping current math class, I am behind and need the time more than the credits. Will fgure that all out later.

Truck seems to have tossed a u-joint...hope it's not the output shaft of the transfer case. Strangely, if it is, it doesn't bother me to have to yank it out and fix that myself either.

Jeep needs smog now that fuel pump has been replaced. Geez, the other one was only 31 years old...why the fuck would it die now?!?!?! Might get it turned around soon.

Credit cards to deal with too. Thought that was all charged off and handled. Time to call my lawyers yet again.

Resume needs to be updated, will start this week. Have to have all these issues handled by the second week of December. The New Year has to start CLEAN. and it will.

It Is Finished.

I have passed all the Written, Oral and Practical Exams to obtain my A & P rating from the FAA. I was so exhausted I have slept most of the last two days. The sense of relief is great. No longer will I have to spend every damned waking moment digging into one or another book to study for the exams.

I have scouted a local airport for locations to apply, but much remains before I do....fixing THREE cars and a motorcycle, getting my resume updated for the first time in like 15 years. Paying off bills and finishing core classes towards the degree and a host of other things. The plan being to have all in place by January to look during the first quater of the year.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel after all....