MIA and What?

 So many things have been destroyed by the internet. many of those things had benefits far past what is now available as a result of their demise. Among them:

The entire recording industry. Napster destroyed the method of finding, growing and selling new music. All because rich college students thought "Music should be free!". The software the founder of Napster writes and sells now SHOULD BE FREE.

Shortwave Radio- 99% of the English broadcast worldwide is gone. With it, the spectrum of programs and news broadcasts that reached beyond an amount limited to local coverage. Now, internet shits out endless repeats of old news. Tred of seeing stories about incidents 80 years ago when I want to know why my county has been on fire for the last three days.

Periodicals/ magazines- they were forced to research and come up with never ending information to survive. 90% of the magazines I LOVED are all long gone. The knowledge and interaction with other readers has vanished, as the tribal knowledge for interests has dried up and gone away if t conflicts with some moderator on line.

News- No longer able to hear stories worldwide, and limited to whatever the pro media decides to sell and resell us. Why no stories of the White Farmers of South Africa being slaughtered in their homes? And god knows what else.

Can't think of anything else and need to water plants.

Fuck it.

I Piss Everybody Off

 Before it became this fancy world of "Social Media", people could laugh, argue and poke fun at each other on line. Now everybody has "Monitized", become an "Influencer" and turned into the biggest generation of thing skinned pussies in history.

I couldn't give a rat's ass what somebody else's "Gender" is. Or who they hump, or what they hump. Don't care which gods they follow or don't, what car they drive or anything else. Well, except computers. Those Apple/ Mac pansies blow ass.

Probably getting the Ban on at least two big social media sites as I type for saying, "No you don't." to more fragile little twats. I piss everybody off. 

Oh, The Title Goes Up Here Now...

    Never-ending change on Blogger. It used to be so much fun to type in a subject or name on th Blogger search bar and have it take you though a never ending stream of blogs along those subjects. Now, even if you know the name of the blog, you can't find it. Some contacts I never met, but had enough interaction with to wonder how they are doing these days.

There was a fellow badly out of shape that took up cycling and got healthy again. Reading his posts kept me going on days of harsh pain. Then he got married. To some woman who already had a mess of kids, and pretty quickly vanished from his Blog. I hope he's OK, but last post I saw he had stopped cycling and gained around 40 pounds as a result.

There was a young woman in Iraq posting about her day to day life. Somebody published her blog as a book and we never heard about her again. I wonder if she got a dime for all her painful and heartfelt writing? Whatever happened to Riverbend?

Her friends had gone viral, one of which came to the US and kept his blog, the pivot person between them disappeared, and was probably killed. The remaning one since has vanished too. Salman Px, still missing?

There was a young woman in Japan of some sort of mixed heritage. She really didn't fit in, but seemed intelligent and nice enough. Her mother was going mad and I think moved in with her. It ruined her life, poor thing. She met somebody on Blogger, had a long distance realtionship and finally met them. Soon after she got ghosted painfully. The drinking had started up again. One prays that Drunken Wench rambler is OK out there somewhere.

Another fellow shaved his balls. He was stuck in life and started school to fly helicopters for a living. Part way through he met a girl, who was kinky. School seemed to have taken a back seat and he fell behind. Just when both of them got on track as a couple, the school with all his records went under and vanished. His submissive kitty was trying to help, but his slice of life blog posts went away.

Blogger allowed no censorship, and became a place to communicate, althought they did their best to prevent exchange of e-mail contact that cut them out of the loop. 

Oh well, I hope all of y'all are OK out there......

Yet Again

 So I drop by Blogger to check on something on it and find I can no long go to a mode where I see the blog as the rest of the world does. I can pick one post for a "Preview", but not scroll through the whole thing. Where do the morons changing things come from? I hope they drown under their college loan debt.

So Long Ago

 Blogger mattered. Before MySpace and FB you could make connections, exchange ideas, stay in touch and expand your world. Then Google came along and had to "Monetize" everything. It's ruined the internet as a result. Social media and everything else is so tightly controlled by big money that it's becoming increasingly useless. How bad is it when you have an actual web address and your browser says it doesn't exist?

What If?

 What if after all these car wrecks, bad jobs, chronic health problems and general bullshit....I was able to get back on track to do what I always said I wanted to do in life?

Applying lessons learned and lost to the never-ending quest to write. Treating novels just like all the technical manuals I spewed out without an issue. Wonder why I had this roadblock for so long? I think it's called "Life".

Testing, 1,2, 3....

American Music

Rock music in the USA is dead as hell. The only things out there are 5th generation "Punk" bands. How does that even make sense? Punk was about loud, fast, new and soon to be outdated. A bunch of 50- somethings touring and singing about high school problems is so  very boring.

The airwaves have been taken back over by Formula Acts. So-called R & B and all the rest. Faces that come and go at the drop of a hat. Also, boring as all hell.

Then there's Taylor Swift. The white girl victim from hell. Always complaining about being female, yet richer than most families will ever be. Yep- she's sure been limited in her life. Dating her is for stupid people. Look at her wrong and you're the subject of yet another "Pity Me" song. She has more issues than National Geographic. Go away Taylor. Just go away.

Asia seems to have a host of strong rock bands in every genre. Punk and Grunge aren't even a thing there. Ladybaby is better than 95% of what comes out of US bands these days.

Funny how people you've known for decades vanish once they get married, isn't it? Then 20 years later when the kids are gone and the marriage is over they pop back up like nothing happened. Sorry, you ignored me, I moved on. Bye.

Too injured to work. Not recovering. Turned off phone to play guitar.

World, shut your mouth.

All Dead

Wow.

I had so much hope when I started this blog. It replaced another one because an idiot found it and thought posts on it were about them...and they weren't. I tried getting to my goals, but injury, pain and every god damn thing else got in the way. It's not the dream that dies last, it's the person who lost them all.

For five years I've been saying "I'm depressed." whenever I am asked what is wrong. 3 years ago when I got rear-ended at a stop light, the injuries really did a number on me. It took my fitness workouts away from me and I got fatter. So I tell doctors I am depressed about it. With this last wreck, EVERY one of the half a dozen doctors I am seeing has a 6 or longer page forms to fill out. On all of them I have marked "Yes" to the question asking if I am depressed. Nobody has said a thing. I don't need more pills, I need resolution to my never-ending pain and restoration of my wounded limbs. That doesn't seem likely. Who knows, I'll probably get hit by a busload of illegals brought in by the democrats for some promo event. Then when they search for all my on-line stuff they'll find this saying, "I don't feel good, I am depressed. Why won't anybody help me?" Note to news staff...highlight that last sentence.

If It Wasn't For Bad Luck.....

Back in December a moron blew through a stop sign and then slammed on brakes in front of me. I hit him broadside doing 45 mph and got hurt badly. The recovery is going poorly, as I now have four herniated discs in my neck and back. The pain is more than when I broke my neck in 1988. I have lost my beloved Miata that carried me through so many of the best things I had in life, and I feel lost. Had job interviews in the works and lost all that. A year without pay still owed to me.

I contacted every law enforcement agency from The State Department down to local Sheriffs and NOBODY would investigate the foreign criminal we all worked for. His anti-American rants an what I found n line about him convinced me he is involved in money laundering for somebody and probably terrorists. But still nothing. Lawyers won't take the case to sue him, LE will do nothing. I can see no reason I should be expected to follow any laws for myself. This country is dead and gone.


Facebook has become almost unusable, and a few friends have gone to Mewe in hopes of avoiding all the "Algorithms" of the other platforms.

I may not be alive long enough to post in a year or so like I have been doing.

Still No Break

Found a job a year and a half ago. Traveling and working myself into sickness only to have most of my work overturned and thrown out. Then yeah, I get blamed for a lack of results on stuff I disagreed with anyway. The bastard running the company hasn't paid anyone since fucking May. Last check was two weeks late to top it off. 90% of company has quit, and I am job searching again. The idiot took a week off to deal with a dying cat, lost all track of the process to pay us and cries that "nobody would understand..." about his cat. We get it. It's a fucking pet. It died. Get on with life. Yes I am angry and have lost faith in the company.

Google Destroyed Blogger

Back before FB, Blogger was a thriving and interesting place to be. You could connect with people world-wide and it was a blast. Now....the majority of features that made that possible are all gone as Google tries to turn everything into Twitter. They just don't understand that not everybody is 14 years old, sitting in class and trying to use their phones to pass notes to each other. So sad to see the smoking remains of a once great idea...

2017 So Far

Just wondered if this blog was still up. Way back when I met and communicated with folks world wide as a result of it. Blogs somehow forced a better set of writing than FB does. Absolutely nobody remembers Blogs- since they got taken over by cats and baby pictures. Plus, you can no longer surf the most recently published or any of the other feeds for them. Boring.

Still Angry, What Do You Expect?

The legal system is still a scam. Fuck everybody involved in it. Leaches.

Had I known how bad I would feel consonantly when I got diagnosed as Diabetic, I would have probably shot myself. None of my dreams in life have come true. It would be best if I just fucking died and my wife could get the insurance money. I looked at my first post of this blog and just shook my head at how much hope, energy and excitement I had back then. I feel like doing something stupid crazy like I have no idea. Working towards yet another type of job and having craploads of trouble since the last foreigner rear ended me in May. WTF- do I keep getting in wrecks with fucking forefingers? Whiplash and TBI just screw you when you need to study. Probably not getting other stuff done I forgot about either. I swear to god somebody that fucks with me needs to die. Maybe I should go to mexico in the F-250 and drive like they do here.

It just figures

The morons on the jury let the gunman off on all charges...including the ones he openly admitted to doing to the detective on the case. The legal system is a fucking joke. If you have to depend on a "Jury of your peers", you are fucked. America is too full of stupid people to ever work right again. How do I sell everything and leave?

To cap all, my oldest dog has now died.

Screw everybody else's problems. I've had enough.

150

Just waiting on the criminal trial. Hope my testimony puts the criminal behind bars for life. He showed me no mercy, the favor will be returned. I wield the legal system as my weapon...which means I have a lot slimmer chance of doing actual damage. Once this mess is over maybe I can get on with life.

Well.....?

Wonder what I can get into that still excites me and makes me actually want to be alive? Its been a long time since I felt that way.

Taking It As It Comes. I Guess.

FB has ruined a lot of things and helped a few things. I used to follow a good number of bloggers and seeing their daily posts clued me into many things. Some went all pro and screwed up what was good about their blogs by selling on it. Many just stopped posting. The weird ones are the ones that used to write endlessly about wild parties and behavior...and now have (like everybody else it seems) reduced their blog to pictures of their blubbering, overweight spoiled children. So very few seem to have active or intelligent offspring. Maybe all that self-abuse pays off in the next generation.

No New Tales To Tell

Nothing has changed. I put massive effort into a project and it gets shot down. Tired of aviation in general, but trapped by my investment in it. Music is a dead end in every way these days. Everybody else can fix their own damn cars, if they can't tough titties. Screw everybody.

Hatin' On The Hobby Lobby

So far, all the people I know spewing hatred towards Hobby Lobby are the ones who have little to no understanding of business or insurance. They are also the ones who have happily worked their lives away for somebody else and complained about it the whole time....but would never in a million years consider going into business for themselves. They don't understand why HL is a corporation in the first place, much less what type and why. They seem to rant on about them being a business "for profit". So I guess its OK for all the non-profits they support to do as they damn well please....? Talk about a double standard.

What the haters don't understand is that EVERY company/ organization that is required to provide health insurance always picked and chose what they offered. The insurance company looks at their numbers and suggests a package that best covers their needs. I once knew an organization that was focused on AIDS, and almost everybody there was gay. They didn't offer ANY coverage for pregnancy...why was nobody freaking out about that? Of course, this very choice was removed by the ACA, which is what the lawsuit is about anyway. If it is personal convictions, working to save on the bottom line or whatever- it still should be up to the people spending the money to decide what they want to buy.

I bet if there was a Vegan Tax to help cattle farmers take better care of their herds the very same people would be just as deeply offended at having to pay it as the owners of HL are in this case.

They Changed It Again

Go a couple of months without logging in, and Blogger changes everything again. At least I expect it now. How soon until they change it back to what it was in the first place? They'll never know, because their legions of designers and programmers will have moved on by then. But they'll all think they invented the wheel.

Pain sucks, treatment almost fucking killed me. Doctors should know better. I may have been disabled for life at this point. Bastards. All I want in health to go kick some ass at a job worth doing. Oh wait, there aren't any of those left in the USA.......

House Repairs Suck

The roof leaks in three major places. I have found two issues and am working to fix them. The third looks like it will be harder to track down. Still, the house is paid for and repair costs are far less per month than buying or renting a place. Sick of not having a job to bring in some cash too. The repairs would probably cost only a couple of hundred bucks and save me a lot of pain working around to get in the tight places they are hidden in. I need a job so I can clean this place up and get on with life.

Because I Feel Like Crap. That's Why.

Ever since the 80's and a bad car wreck, my health has been crap. I have worked through the pain to get by and never sought any public assistance. All around me I have seen countless babymommas and losers sucking off the public funds at every chance. Don't tell me I am wrong. they lived next door, the house over and the one next to that. When they moved to nicer places, the ones who moved in to replace them learned the tricks from those left behind before their own moves out. ALL of them ended up living in their own houses through public assistance. Not renting...owning.

Fuck them all. I caught the smelly kids of one running into my car with their bicycle and massively scratching it. When I asked for them to repair it, I was told to fuck off...because they were poor and didn't have anything (other than the newest game consoles, TV's, etc...and a car newer than mine). I reported them as drug abusers and got them in trouble with the law as a result. Paybacks are a bitch.

I caught another's kids using the rear window of my convertible as a backboard to slam their basketball off of. They fucked up my paint and nobody did anything about it. So I took the kids ball and did the same damage to their car. You should have heard the threats from that. My comeback was something to the effect off telling them that at 450 pounds the effort would kill them. Funny thing, the 450 pound bastard was dead within 2 months anyway. 34 and dead from being so fat. Then they came to me and wanted me to figure out how to sue the doctor for malpractice...?!?!?!?!?!?! Drop fucking dead.

I feel like crap now, just like I have since the end of the 80's. When the hell do I get disability like so many others? I know somebody who twisted their ankle and that was the golden ticket. Hell, I've done far worse than that just working and never got a dime. I'd rather work, but if everybody else gets paid to not wear themselves out....why shouldn't I? I've been baking the pie for decades, I want my fucking slice now!

The "Need For Fundamental Change."

I finally put my finger directly on the issue. From day one that Obama ran for office, he has been spouting off about his notion that in the USA there is a "Need For Fundamental Change".

He couldn't be more wrong. He is the exact model of every moron manager that destroys companies I have ever worked for. To explain:

Back in the early 80's, the Cool Kids all decided that since they were going to college, they were better than everyone else. They touted themselves as Yuppies and looked down their noses at everybody else. Since 95% of them had no real skills or interests, most of them ended up with expensive degrees in "Business Management". When it came time to pay back their student loans, they descended in force on the USA that had been built over the centuries. Some of you may remember the place: It was built by a little fellow called "The Working Man".

That Working Man started with less than nothing and went to work. He learned skills along the way and did better and better for himself as a result. The country soared on the wings of his Blood, Sweat and Tears. There was no challenge he wasn't best at. There was nothing he couldn't do. He built a place to be envied around the world.

Then came the Unwashed Hordes Of College Educated Morons. Instead of working someplace and gaining an understanding of how that business or industry functioned, they were drunk for 85% of their college years. They threw "Toga Parties". They joined Frats and got drunk again. They broke laws and Daddy's money always bailed them out. The only thing they learned how to do was point the finger at somebody else for what they did wrong. They lived and cheered the weird theories they learned in school. Things taught to them by professors who couldn't change a spark plug if they tried. Since they had no idea what a spark plug was in the first place. Sure, they knew about Modernism and Somebody's Razor...but nothing steeped in fact.

The USA opened the doors to industry to them, because they often were the sons and daughters of the owners of the companies. The FIRST thing a BAD MANAGER does is to declare that, "Everything needs to be changed...!". The worst managers walk into a job and start firing people and changing how things are done. They create a chaos that destroys companies. That's OK, they can always move on to another company with their degree.

The BEST managers walk in and observe what is going on. Then, based on experience (not some damn theory) they adjust and massage the existing system into being more organized and efficient. They understand that a company or a country grew and survived for years before they arrived. They realize that a whole bunch of things must be right with it, not wrong with it. The self-centered jackass with a degree cares only about himself. If their changes destroy the company, its somebody else's fault already.

The USA has never had a need for a sweeping "Fundamental Change", It has a need for good insight and stewardship of what it already is. It needs a tweak here and there, a polish on this or that and nothing more. To think otherwise is the mark of an idiot or moron. Or perhaps a college grad who has never worked an actual day's work in their life.

It is an insult to the generations of Workers and people that forged this country to declare they did it all wrong and it must be changed. Only a moron would believe that in the first place. Or a self-centered idiot with no real world job experience in the first place.

Empty Halls Of An Abandoned Building

Blogger is now hipper and cooler than ever before. Just like your youth when there were empty buildings slowly rotting away providing places to go hid from the world....so it now is with Blogger.

Back in the day the Yuppies took over every place cool with their McMansions and 2.5 children. Their cookie cutter houses overwhelmed everything, leaving scant time for vintage or old buildings. How funny that their children have all grown up to desire Craftsmen and Vintage Housing! Blogger is now over run with blogs about children. That would best be done over at Facebook. But there are still a few underground blogs pacing along out there.

I discovered a bookmark list from a decade ago, and wasn't much surprised at how many blogs no longer exist. The interesting part was the ones that still existed n much the same form...without the inevitable "These are my children and nothing else matters" blogs. Kids are OK and all, but do people cease to exist when they have them?

I'm going to wander down this Blog Hallway a while now and see what graffitii I find on the walls.....

The Olympics

After having spent 20 some years, my time and most of my finances to help support an Olympic sport...the last thing I care about is The Olympics. I am sick of people who never had a fraction of my commitment or involvement try and tell me how it all is. I've seen the honest part, the dirty part and the part where you realize that only the rich kids get a shot because their parents are the only ones who can afford to give them a chance. Just like everything else in life, it's all about how much cash you have. The key turning point in the final failure of the Modern Games was when they added basketball and let a bunch of pros "resign their contracts" so they were "amateurs" during the run of the games. What a waste of time it all is.

Blogger vs Facebook

Most people have left Blogger and gone to Facebook many years ago. I find that Blogger has some major advantages over FB at this point. On Blogger, I was able to post/ record my thoughts for my own benefit and some public interaction. Few people ever said anything about it. Only one ever got upset. They read a post and thought it was about them, got offended, and made a big public display of breaking off a perceived friendship with me.

On FB, endlessly I am attacked for what I have posted. Worst of all are the ones who quote crap websites like Huffington Post. They search the internet for things that match their beliefs, rather than support facts. They often denigrate my own personal experiences and tell me I am wrong on subjects. I'm sorry, it happened to ME...I couldn't give a fuck about your pie charts and deeply held moral attitudes that say that it couldn't possibly happen.

When I go back to Blogger, I find years of recorded thoughts that catalog progress through issues. When I go back through FB, I find petty arguments with everybody picking on me for things I have said. Things they wouldn't even question face to face. Perhaps Blogger deserves another chance for many people. It seems a better place to keep track of things. Nobody I know has even checked this one for at least five years.

I have so much to do, no money or job to do any of it. I need to finish getting a number of things in order so I can go find work again. First of which is a month of PT for a bad disc in my back. Bad disc, bad timing. Deal with it I guess.

Hard to Find

I think about Blogger often. I can rarely remember my log-in for it. Google took it over and keeps "improving" it, meaning I can't find it or fuck all about it or anything. Why do so many programmers try and fix what isn't broken?

Wow, Just wow.

Blogger died the death when Facebook happened. It got reduced to even more pictures of cats than FB had. Oddly, as it is so ignored in the USA, it seems to have grown into something else viable for the rest of the world. I used to love reading it to see the sort of things people in other parts of the world were interested in. It sort of replaced the missing world of shortwave radio. Now, however, it has some sort of search function that guides you to sites that match the last one you looked at. You go to a site about ford trucks, all you end up seeing is ford trucks. I don't like this at all. I want my random back, I want to explore, not shop interests.

Nobody I know still uses Blogger, so maybe its safe enough to say the things I want to say around here. Sometimes happy, lots of times disgusted and grumpy....but its my page. Wonder if I could ever recover my original one from all those years ago, just to see where things were at?

Used to follow all sorts of blogs, as people are interesting. Most are long since gone now. Weird how some are still around. Funny how some of them that were late teens, early 20's haven't grown up enough to know that what they did at 14 isn't cool at 32 and that they really aren't hip and cool anymore. Even more than my generation, many are really stuck on the whole grunge era thing....but fat and dumpy in plaid with glasses isn't the same as their once lithe and attractive selves used to be. It's not just looks, they have grown more cynical as they have grown and found out nobody gives a damn about what they say or think. You see them in the bars and cafe's around here. Still with their Macs/ iPads and speaking a little too loudly for their seats- so everybody will hear what they think. Good thing you got that degree in Art...like 300,000 other losers without a drop of talent. How is that job at Walmart anyway? Better get home, that rugrat you had after a drunken night with a guy you never liked in the first place is waiting for you. Poor bastards. It's called Life. It may not be fair, but it is actually ironic most of the time.....

Was going to change my screen name here...but I still have the Miata and am happy with it. Other cars since then.....often not so much. The Miata hails from a simpler and happier time. Need to drive it more again.

Wow.

Been involved in a huge project for a year. Got some acclaim for it, and zero pay. Few people will ever have the chance to do what I have done. Facing a court date for the armed attack I survived. Looking to find a job, which seems like the story of my life. Might take a lower wage one to just have income, and use my skills on my own projects. I have countless talents from all my years in business, and everybody wants them for free. I am the wrong race, the wrong age and the wrong everything to be paid for what I can do. I was born white, which means I can pay the way for everybody else's dreams. Screw their dreams.

I went back to my first post on this blog. It was created because somebody found my other one, and thought what I wrote was about them. They got all upset, so I removed it from the internet. I can't remember who it was, or who the posts they got upset about were even about. This blog has changed names/ directions a number of times. I am not so hopeful about life anymore; I've gone from being young to being old with no middle ground in-between. My chronic pain is most of the reason why. I rarely enjoy the same things I did when I started this blog, and I miss that. I feel every-increasingly shackled with life. I drove past the high school I went to decades ago, and there was a football game going on. Some big rivalry with a school that didn't exist when I was young. It looked the same as decades ago, save the fashions. So many of my friends from those years are dead. So many friends I made since then seem to have gone fucking crazy. I am more alone than I was at 16. I make myself crazy. No longer can I listen to the world on shortwave radio- the internet killed it. All that is left is an impossible numbers of cat photos to avoid it seems.

Nobody will ever see these words.

Another Year Gone

Not much has been positive. Not much has been good. I am angry, when do I get a break in life? Why the constant bills, the constant everything popping up out of the clear blue without warning? Everytime I think I have my affairs in order, something I have never heard of falls onto me.

I don't think that anybody who knows me knows this blog exists. They all stopped blogging a long time ago, and also following blogs. I am shocked at how many people I know seem to have gone batfuckingcrackers insane in the last 6 years. Really? Because that was never your politics before you meet this last woman. The word is now "Pussywhipped".  Think and speak for yourself. I have changed. A lot. I no longer suffer fools and idiots for even a moment. Fuck everything.

Sick

Being diagnosed Diabetic last year certainly hasn't made life easier. I struggle to control it with diet and one pill. I am pretty certain when I got helath insurance again they'll be tossing me onto insulin. One of the things I most dreaded in life. When do I get a break?

Nobody ever reads this anyway. I am so bored being at home all day that I can't stand it. Too much still lives in boxes from the move. I get what I can put away each day- but it seems endless. So much to give to donations just to make space. I feel guilty giving away stuff my parents worked to buy. Then again, they seem to have been giving away tons of money to all kinds of places each year. I am really fucking sick and tired of telling someone on the phone my parents are dead...only to have them hard sell me on giving me more money. Screw them all at this point. Nobody has been giving me money...EVER. Nobody has given me food or shelter, and there were times when things got really bad for me. It's time everybody else had to make their own way like I have. I have found 80% of the materials I need to get a decent resume' and start looking for work. What a pain, 2500 miles from all my contacts and resources for actually finding work in a new field. Have to do it, or all the grief of schooling wasn't worth it.

Don't know what this fancy box on the "Compose" Screen is for. Why oh why do computer programers have to constantly change things? If it works, stop fixing it. God only knows how I can get my life in gear agan, spending ever so much time trying to stay current with things like FB, Blogger and even my damned e-mail.

Progress

The Jeep I struggled to fix and never sell has made it to Florida, along with a couple of other cars and 50% of what we own. There are issues to be sure down there, but at least there is also hope. Will have to plan things out for visits back to California for the important things. Time to start boxing up the rest of the stuff we own and get ready to make the jump to living in Florida. Leave the mess called California behind. Weird. This never got published a year ago...

Wow, been gone from Blogging a long time. So much has changed in life in the last year. Blogger, once again, has changed EVERYTHING...making it that much harder to use. No longer a Californian. Very tired and depressed. Trying to get unpacked from the transcountry move still. Need something new. Hoped to catch up with many old friends, and haven't spoken to but two or three of them. I need somebdy to talk to...

Figures.

I have been buried under estate related crap. A major portion of the money he had saved have been spent on the trivial things, while the large things all seem to have gone easily. I am even more tired now. I look back over this blog, and it was supposed to help me feel like I had made progress in life while over-coming my issues. It falls short on that.

I used to follow and read a number of blogs. All are gone without a trace now. I wonder if those folks are okay? I hate the day that blogger turned into a place to put up photos of your fucking cat or children. It used to be interesting.

I have found that internet explorer increasingly doesn't want to do the simple tasks...such as go to websites or do anything with pressing buttons. Its whatever the new version is, and I have to say I hate it. I have been using IE since it was created, but may be forced to dump it soon. Its as bad as the iPad I got that won't play anything flash related. Thanks, I can't check my e-mails or surf most of the stuff I need as a result. Steve Jobs is a bigger prick than Gates ever was...

Packing to leave the state and move to Florida. So many people I know are doing well there. I need to be surrounded by that, instead of the daily struggle to not get run over by illegal aliens that I have now. I am about 45% packed, with a major spring cleaning being done as I pack. I guess that puts me at 50% overall, counting what I no longer own and won't have to move. Planning on a U-Haul trip in the next few weeks, hopefully matching two autos being transported by semi to the new home and life. Once moved will begin to look for A & P work, figuring that handling an out of state parents death is a reasonable reason for a gap between getting the Cert and searching for work.

Changes

Figures, it was 10 days after my last post when my father died.

My company has been handed off to a top student, I retain a night a week until December. The 20 year old website is no longer posted. There will be no new students for me. I am almost done with the sport that has provided some enjoyment and much grief over the last 20 years.

I am leaving this sport and leaving the state I live in. Its too much, too many illegals getting the world handed to them at my expense. Back to where I came from...where I will defend my property and rights to the death against them all.

The Trouble

The trouble with consoling someone facing death is that it brings you crashing face to face with your own mortality. You end up taking stock of all the stupid chices and incidents that have injured you and calculate how much time will be deducted as a result.

30 years ago when AIDS ravaged the land, many of my friends passed away, both gay and straight. I sent much time handing out comfort. I discovered that while I was good at it, the toll it took on me afterwards was overwhelming. Thus, I could never go into medicine.

One doesn't think at a young age about their parents, and the generation that was told smoking was good for them....upon reaching the late evening of life. I'm not ready for this yet.

I have no choice, and am already exhausted.

See What I Mean?

I saw to day that California has approved giving finacial add to ILLEGAL ALIENS.

GGGRRREEEAATTTT....I can't get the last 3 classes I need because they are jammed with Illegals each semester, now the state wants to take MY TAX DOLLARS and give it to the same illegals that are preventing me from completing my own education.

ASSHOLES.

La Raza is the American Taliban.

Why?

Why do I even bother? The rewards certainly don't match the effort by any means.

I Hate Cars

The car we bought in December won't start. It comes and goes with the problem, but its still there.

Got a fancy warranty with the car, which didn't cover the first time it was repaired. Cost me 750 bucks.

Failed again, within a couple of weeks. Dealer is too stupid to replace the ignition switch. Known problem on these cars at this milage.

I wish to hell we had never bought this car. I can't blame the car, but I do blame the half-wit techs working on it. I suspect my wife will never like the car once its back.

I have to sell at least two cars, I have too many sitting around in variuos states. I planned to sell the oldest to pay for flight lessons, but if I don't get a 9-5 soon, it will go to pay bills. I have owned it 20 or more years, hate to see it go that way.....

Hopeless/ Hopeful?

Made small progress on employment at the firm I want to work for. They are almost impossible to get an interview with if you don't have an inside contact. Money has more than run out. Last months bills still aren't paid, I have very little due in for payments to me this month. Its all going to crash in the next two months. I guess instead of bettering myself with all this study and schooling, I will be trying to just hold on like I was doing before all the work. Why bother?

Always Too Much

Father is ill, doesn't look like he is long for this world. Haven't found work in my new field yet. Have given up 2/3rds of my business to try and save my sanity. Want to be in the game again, and don't know how to work for someone else after all these years of being self-employed. Stress is killing me, exhaustion is killing me. Why is nothing actually killing me? Weird. Often forget log-in to blogger. Away again as ever.

Time

Time has always been a problem for me. Its had gaps and holes and peices of itself tossed around all out of order. Its not exactly Slaughterhouse Five, there is no living of major events out of order, its just snips and peices bouncing off each other.

A clue finally presented itself. Something got knocked loss on December 15, 1988 at 12:45 p.m..That explains the visions from before this date reaching into the future after it. It also has some bearing on visions from the present reflecting so strongly back to the past. These fragments of time are somehow like peices of a puzzle. Its not just simple memory, there is a tangibility that can be felt to each peice being glimpsed.

Therefore, there is some sort of matter present as a part of time itself. Matter and energy can be exchanged, and thats what is happening. Maybe.

These flashes get stronger and weaker, and have begun to fall into something of a cyclic pattern, as I recognize more and more peices as I see them.

If I look directly at them, perhaps they won't drive me mad.I have seen a peice of what is not supposed to be and am not equipped to explain.

...And Then Some.

Finally got current on all back taxes. I expect to actually submit this year's taxes on time for the first time in like a decade.

Haven't worked on any of the THREE dead cars yet. Replaced a host of eletrical stuff on the Miata to no avial. The last thing I suspect is the timing belt skipped a few teeth. It's brand new too, so I can't imagine why it would do that- except that the cat acts EXACTLY like when I have broken other timing belts. It's a solid days work to inspect that part of things, and no problem menatlly to do so. The rain has finally stopped, so I could actually get working on it.

Motorcycle needs to be re-assembled and running so I can get the CHP inspection over with. Doesn't have to run right, just start and have turn signals and brake lights. I think I can get that done this week.

Have to finish dropping current math class, I am behind and need the time more than the credits. Will fgure that all out later.

Truck seems to have tossed a u-joint...hope it's not the output shaft of the transfer case. Strangely, if it is, it doesn't bother me to have to yank it out and fix that myself either.

Jeep needs smog now that fuel pump has been replaced. Geez, the other one was only 31 years old...why the fuck would it die now?!?!?! Might get it turned around soon.

Credit cards to deal with too. Thought that was all charged off and handled. Time to call my lawyers yet again.

Resume needs to be updated, will start this week. Have to have all these issues handled by the second week of December. The New Year has to start CLEAN. and it will.

It Is Finished.

I have passed all the Written, Oral and Practical Exams to obtain my A & P rating from the FAA. I was so exhausted I have slept most of the last two days. The sense of relief is great. No longer will I have to spend every damned waking moment digging into one or another book to study for the exams.

I have scouted a local airport for locations to apply, but much remains before I do....fixing THREE cars and a motorcycle, getting my resume updated for the first time in like 15 years. Paying off bills and finishing core classes towards the degree and a host of other things. The plan being to have all in place by January to look during the first quater of the year.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel after all....

So Tired

I have finished all my Written Exams. Now only have the Oral and Practical Exams left. If I can survive this and next week, I finally have the certifcations I need to change my life for the better. No more jobs, finally a career. Finally I will no longer be a coach, surviving day to day on everybody else's expectations without any of them putting WORK in. I dream of the freedom I'll have to pursue things that interest me, instead of spending every waking moment worried about "the business" and all sorts of useless crap.

I see no reason I can't pass the Exams with flying colors other than my own stress. I have thrown up every morning and day for a number of weeks. I am so exhausted as a result. I need this done so I can get sleep/ rest and start looking for an actual paying job.

The past is nearly over.

No Major Change

When I was younger, I excelled at life because I kept re-inventing myself by augmenting who I was and where I was going. That all seemed to die in it's tracks when I made the biggest change of all by moving from Florida to California. It's been a constant slog to survive ever since.

Weirdly, even where I moved FROM had it's day in the sun with bands getting signed from the area. Of course, I missed everything I was aiming for by two years. It became the story of my life.

I am finally nearly re-invented again. I am much more tired than ever before, and fighting leaving the comfort of what I created two decades ago for something/ anything NEW and challenging.

Much done and one and a third steps left to finish the new invention.

I spend much time thinking of what should have been and why it didn't happen. Need to clamp down a little harder and move again for the first time in years. In my mind, much that wouldn't matter for day to day life is again brewing. I want it to take over from day to day life....so I can live agaain.

Dreams I'm Never Going To See.

21 years ago I gave up on everything I had workd towards, everything I cared about and everything I dreamed for to take the path of running a center where people could learn to Fence.

I've made a number of great friends that I care about, and that care about me.

Over the years I've watched most everyone else I know reach their dreams.Many hve thanked me for my part in getting there, which is nice. I am left with the ruins of a once great idea for my involvement in Fencing. It didn't make it.

I would have been happy to play loud guitar and die young.I would have been happy to feel how music performed feels. I am not happy now, outside of the woman I love who married me.

Youth is truely wasted on the young.

Grumpy Again

Labs ain't done, less to do now, but they keep getting handed back to me.

Jeep runs.

Miata is throwing error codes and costing me money.

math class is killing me.

All is normal.

No Joy Yet.

Got a running Jeep, needs to be driven and loosened up a bit before smogging. No money left to do so.

Got most of the Miata issues done, 75% of engine swap done. No money to finish it.

Haven't touched bicycle repair I need to do yet, will start riding other bikes soon instead. Doesn't take much money, just time to finish this.

Haven't studied for school at all in three weeks. Maybe this is actually good. I was sick of it all. Can't wait to kick the nuts off the last labs and be done with this portion of the process.

Sleep.

No Bike Ride Yet....

Was getting nowhere with lab projects, and ran short on cash. Got with instructor to let him know I will be back to finish last 14 labs in January. I am tired of having to wait on everybody else all the time. That's a major part of why I was behind in the first place. Can't wait to be clear of it all and done. Not even thinking about getting work afterwards anymore. Just want to finish first.

Teaching for myself is done for a few more weeks. I need a break, with time as my own. Even if it is all spent rebuilding dead cars and bicycles. I have a desire for a motorcycle, but hope to just wait until July or so. If all goes according to plan now, the gas savngs alone should more than help my budget issues and allow for the motorcycle I really want by then.

Jeep is running under it's own power. Money too short to finish up and smog for now. Shouldn't take much to get it current with DMV again. Want it to be ready for summer this year. My perspective is that if the place catches on fire, at least I can start it up and get it clear of thebuilding. Need I mention two counts of arson at this complex since moving here...? Yeah, it COULD happen.


Tearing madly into Miata to repair it. Two places said the bottom end froze, and the noise was crank bearings. Over a two year span with little money I have collected a short block, clutch and various other stuff to right all the cars wrongs all at once.Today, I found the crankshaft pulley bolt tightened...but the pulley LOOSE on the crank nose. This is the sound I have been hearing, and would explain much on why the car wasn't running right. The crank sensor doesn't line up correctly among other things. I could tighten the bolt and/ or fix whatever the issue is...but after all this time/ expense, the new block is going into the car. No more fucking around with this crap, it's getting replaced. I can always do a supercharger build out of the original bottom end at this point. A few small parts still need to be replaced, hopefully while everything is taken apart and easy to get at. Would like to replace front sway bar while I'm in here. Don't know about it all yet. All gets back to money. And maybe some welding.

Truck is last in line for repair. Bushings in suspension are dead. After finding issue on Miata today, I suspect I will never be going back to garage that had been doing my repairs. They were great at first, but each repair was increasingly rushed it seemed. Debating teling owner about it all. He seems to be a nice guy and honest. I really don't want to deal with truck bushings, as I can't see how to safely jack up the damned thing and get them installed. Oh well, I have one other place that could probably do it easy enough.

If I reach a halt point on the Miata I will jump into the bicycle paint repair. I am sick to death of how my poor bike looks. I need to ride more, so it needs to be fixed soon. I used to live for riding at night at this time of the year. I miss it all.

Much to do before allowing myself the joy of any bike ride. When the car is current and drivable, I can ride again. A week or so maybe at this point?

Fiberglass Project

It's the fiberglass project slowing me down now. Too damned cold in the garage to work on it after a certain time of the day. Got about 60% of it done, and off to school to see what else is going on for the things I've already turned in. Hope there are no more corrections to do on them and I can get to the next step of things. All this make-up work is taking far too long.I can't see it done until January now, even though I will work for sooner. December is such a crap month to deal with, why must everything close down?

Light...or not?

Taxes dealt with. Pending taxes being dealt with.

Jeep being dealt with, until disaster stuck commute truck.

Truck repeatedly dealt with. Seems handled.

School project not going well, will be dealt with.

Considering how to deal with tiny car not driven for a number of years.

Garage cleaned up enough to function in and purged of some stuff I no longer need. Still more to deal with.


That might be light at the end of the tunnel, or my own reflection in a darkened mirror horrifing me. With Poe, you never know...do you?

It's all About Food

I haven't been able to figure out my Blogger password in some time, since the Google take-over. I had nothing to say either. I used to surf blogs and find much interesting and fun....but that seems to be a thing of the past. Now the only thing I seem to find are 1. Cooking Blogs, and 2. Spoiled rich girls dropping out of coillege to travel/ find themselves/ recover or whatever else one does when daddy's money foots the bill.


Life for me remains a constant strain of making up schoolwork and bills. Is it ever going to change?

Worse than I thought. Much worse.

I have been going through what the business earned and cost for the last few years and I have been majorly losing my ass. I can't see how I stayed ahead of the basic bills, but can see why I am not getting ahead at all. Nothing short of a miracle could save this thing now. The rents are higher than ever (like 6 times higher than when moving into the locations), and income has dropped like 65% from a high point like 5 years ago (about when I moved in).

Two years ago I got in a bad wreck once again, and I am sure it addled my thinking, this seems to prove it even more. Geez, even if I were working a 9-5 job this wouldn't be worth it...why should I take such major amounts of money out of my pocket so everybody else can have fun? It sure doesn't make the whole deal fun for me.Now I need major investment in equipment just to hold even. I don't think that's going to happen now.

I need a steady job, even at minimum wage it would be a huge improvement on things now. Perhaps a night job until I finish school...? I can't sort it all out this late.

Why....

are all the people in my life who understood the progression of certain arts through certain histories to the present all dead? Why not the half-assed morons with even more half-wit off-spring? Why DO the good die young?

Sometimes.

Sometimes the past can't be edited enough to work. Sometimes you just have to finish it to be able to move on to the next thing.

Strummer

I fucking hated The Clash. I heard them years ahead of any US punk I ever met, as I was living my life listening to the World Service of the BBC...back when they still transmited to the US.

Some of the tunes were pretty good, so I read every thing I could on them. Everything went on and on about how much they hated this, that or the other kind of music...or group. I became so annoyed at their on-going whining that I wrote them off.

Then, I met Strummer for about 10 minutes, in Northen California. It was a wreird gig, the audience was mainly like 13 year old girls trying to be hip. It was one of the few gigs where I was tall enough to see the stage from the floor. The band played well, but looked completley perplexed at the crowd. After the show I was ready for an arguement, and worked my way to Strummer. He greeted me with a warm hello and said he hoped I'd enjoyed the show. He mentioned he had noticed me, as I was a foot taller than everyone else down front. I got him right on music, and he was not at all what I expected. he said, "Whatever music you love is great! Just do it like you mean it! I hate all the magazines, they cut so much out of what I said and make it look like I hate all sorts of things. Christ, I wouldn't have started playing guitar if I didn't like what came before me!"

In that monet, I heard The Clash a whole new way. I ended up liking them.

But the bass player was the biggest prick I've ever meet in music. He was walking with a boombox, and thinking I recognized the reggae tune he was blasting, I asked what it was. He gave me a snotty answer that it was reggae. Asshole, I was probably listening to it 10 years before he ever even heard it. Why is it that the wrong one in a band always dies first?

They Call Her A POET?!?!?!?!?!?

Who the fuck was stupid enough to pick Elizabeth Alexander to read at the big hoeha inauguration?

They call her a Poet? That was the single worst reading I have ever heard from ANY poet! I've heard coffee-wired goths whining away in cafes that were better than that. Hell, I've heard FIFTH GRADERS who were better than that! In fact, on the day of the reading I had a fifth-grader tell me they thought it was both a terrible poem, and badly read.

There was no emotion, and she clunked each word out like a special ed child struggling to read the next word. Christ, if she wrote the damned poem, she should at least be able to infuse it with some degree of emotion or meaning! In listening to the actual words (as hard as it was...), the poem was completely common. I mean, any bored soccer mom with no grip on the English language could have spewed that thing out.

Once again proof of how wrong affirmative action was in practice. The idea of giving everyone an equal chance was grand....but the fact is that after a few years, the color of your skin got more jobs than actual qualifications. This woman is where she is because of the color of her skin, not because of her qualifications.

The sad thing was that she was better than the self-promoting asshole of a preacher than came on to close the show. Perhaps he should go back to the black community and get them to begin "doing the right thing" before he decides to demand of the white community. That might clear the jails out and improve society a touch quicker. Guess the fucking asshole didn't realize he wasn't preaching to a room full of his blind sheep followers.

The Wasted Energy Of A Racing Mind.

For some years I have felt underchallenged. In my past, I had the need to fill my mind at all times with variuos useful thoughts, which all stopped in '88 with the car wreck. Since then, instead of viable creative thoughts, I find myself consumed with worry about the worst possible thing that could happen. I go to class, its failure, I go to teach, its weird parents and their children who refuse to work, I drive, its some idiot causing a wreck for me.

I struggle to shut it all off. Some 5 years ago I was there. I shut it off and had a calm mind. I lived by the rule that 90% of what you worry about never happens, so stop the worry and be ready for the ten percent that does happen.

I recognize the need to reach this place again. I waste so much energy on worry. I need to get things rolling again, instead of burning the candle of doubt.

Tiring....

...but I think I have answered all the pending e-mails sent me since the middle of December. Feeling way sick, first sinus, then headaches, then stomach and more. God, I just wanna get the year rolling...and it certainly is fighting me. I have enrolled in yet more general ed classes as I chase my A & P cert. Labs still to finished...groan....

Behind Again Already...

Its a new year, and between the limited access to the internet, my new glasses, and trying to finally get rolling on a number of key issues (auto repair, etc), I find myself behind again already.

I am backed up on e-mails. I am behind on autos, and I am struggling over a project involving a 100+ year old table.

I aim to start the catching up tonight....

God I Hate Change!

BUT...

Its probably the best thing for oneself innit?

Last time I remember playing music and it meaning something was new years eve of 2000. All I've done since then is work. I am tired of work. The gods conspire against me, so I cast them out!

Need new toys, need new goals, need new. Got some new already.

I may hate change, but I welcome it!

40 Years Ago...NOW!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_8

Its been 40 short years since we first went around the moon. The US government gutted the Space Program to fund warships at Raygun's command. Long may he rot for it.

Mankind makes progress fast during two things: Exploring and War.

Some of us prefer the first route. Its time to end the wars, take the military funding and give it to NASA to head deeper out into the neighborhood of the night. For those who disagree, go ahead and get rid of your computers, TV sets, cars newer than 1980, phones and pretty much everything else that has been improved upon due to NASA's work in getting to Space!

Sidenote: SpaceShip Two has taken flight for the first time!

16 Days....

...until I outlive Jim Jones.

Geez, maybe I could catch a break here...? I mean, I haven't started any cults, didn't get people to give me their money and move to some weird jungle, didn't get them to commit suicide by drinking poison or chase down those who didn't with machine guns.Yet who gets remembered by history? Yeah, the guy who did evil things.

Not me.

Whatever.

Has everybody left blogger now...?

Its the Memory...what was I saying?

Exhaustion.

Messes with my ability to memorize. Got a final coming up, and two years of aeronautics to deal with, and all is not going well.

No Justice.

The drunk asshole that killed a friend last year by driving the wrong way down a Southern California freeway (how can any moron do that?!?!?!) didn't get convicted of murder. Nope, manslaughter, so the worst that can happen is 8 years in jail. He'll probably be free in a year or two and never look back.

I hope his family is killed by another drunk driver. Fucking Asshole. Drunk drivers should be executed on the site once they sober up.

MY Bailout Plan for Carmakers.

So what.

The CEO's for car makers used their own jets to arrive at meetings to ask for help. That's how business at that level works. Believe it or not, CEO's actually do things that affect each and every member of the companies work force. Some CEO's are fucking morons, some not. Did any of the assholes downing them for private jet use ask....WHY? Nope.

Anybody remember a little known historical event they used to call "9-11"? Anybody notice the names and jobs of many of the folks killed on the commercial jets that day? Some were pretty important, key people in their work. They were not replaceable there (not even talking about personal value). Many, many companies felt like airport security wasn't worth a damn, and it was foolish to risk losing the heads of their companies to something like hijacking and terrorists. Remember how they are all just around the corner all the time? So they started using private jets! It wasn't a frill, it was a SAFETY CONCERN!!!! Now...what the hell is wrong with that?

In addition, when someone at that level travels in a private jet, they have instant access to a workplace, and are able to keep right on working. No waiting to get to a wi-fi spot there. PLUS- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE THE AIRLINES BEEN ON TIME OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Yeah, that would look good, "Will the CEO of Chevrordler please come forward? What...? What....? He had his flight canceled...? Screw him then, if he couldn't even get here on time!"

AND...did anybody watch to see if the Wall Street Crooks used their own jets? NOPE! They sure pulled off a slick one, didn't they?

So, here's MY bailout plan for Car makers:

Granted, they haven't been making autos that fit the needs of the country for a LONG time. That's why the roads are covered with Jap crap. But the Japs got it right, didn't they? Why can't America get it just as right?

Gee...remember those "Oil Companies" that have been showing "Record Profits" the last few quarters? Yeah....they have a vested interest in making sure nobody comes out with a series of autos that GET BETTER MILEAGE, don't they? Isn't it clear how far into bed the auto and oil industries actually are?

Good, you finally noticed. This leads to my plan....Let's pass a bill that sends the excess profits from the oil companies to the Automakers. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE...BEFORE we pass that law, lets pass another that requires the oil companies to put up the needed bailout money for Detroit. Remember, they got to be Fat Cats at the expense of the country and its economy already, time for them to contribute BACK to the whole process. Oh, yeah...and while we are at it....

What the HELL is the deal? Refineries ALL have to be shut down for service at the same time of the year (Summer) every year...thus driving prices up? What kind of MORON in the White House allows this?!?!??! Oh yeah, he's an oilman.

NEXT... "Oh, there's a hurricane 600 miles away that has a 4% chance of hitting our refineries, Oil Price Must Be Raised Immediately!" ...HUH?!?!?!?!?!!?

Geez, then build larger reserves to prevent fluctuations you idiots! Oh yeah, you wouldnt be able to screw the rest of us for extra income otherwise.

Regulation is too good for oil companies. Yep, time to nationalize them in the best interest of the country. And the world.

It Just Keeps Getting Harder Every day.

...that I haven't completed my labs.

Got to the last one for this portion of the program, and it has ten pages to complete it. I believe I have six of those pages left before having to dig into a year's worth of reveiw for the portion of the program done a year ago....geez.


Work remains as confusing as ever. Can't seem to get anyone interested in staying long term after their Intro class. Out of like 6 people last cycle....one stayed.Wonder if the new year will pick things up? The election sure didn't....and that's a first. Usually things get better after any election. Oh well...

Book Titles I Should Follow Up and Write:

" You call that horse shit art?"
" I Knew Your Mom When She Gave Head for Ten Bucks or Before The Church"
" There are More Intelligent Fish Than You."
" Drving Like That Will Get You Killed, Here...Let Me Help"
" I'd Rather Weld Than Dance"
" Your 8 Year Old Isn't a Guitarist, He's a Fucking Boring Twat Abusing A Guitar"
" Blues Musicians Don't Use Tabs"
" Your Pansy Dog Is A Cat"
" Get Your Cat Off My Car"
" Yes, I want To Fight. Excuse Me For Not Getting Out Of The F-250 While Killing You"
" Sure, Increasing The Rent Will Help Build My Failing Business"
" And By Inappropriate I Mean YOU"
" Dickhead"
" The Marching Band Diaries"
" Actually Crushed By Life, Not A Spoiled, Rich Goth"
" Every Goth With A Pen Thinks He's A Poet"
" Marilyn Who?"
" At The Dawn Of The 80's"
" The Night The 70's Died"
" The Day After The 90's"
" Hunter Thompson Was NOT Your Father"
" Screenplays About Junkies Best Be Written By Them"
" Go Fuck Yourself: A Guide To The 21st Century"

Alone In All I Do.

Much of my mental reveiw as of late has centered around getting dates correct in my head. That fucking car wreck certainly muddied the waters for afr too long. It's given insite into timing and foresight to reckon what's coming. I still have that capacity,but it seems focused other than the arts.

THEN AGAIN....Over the last few years I've the chance to have contact with any number of would be artists from the current crop. Not the ones you may think I am talking about either. BUT, there certainly isn't the width of dynamics that existed amoung those I knew so long ago. Now, all seem rather plastic, without a fresh idea in their heads. Funny, was at one place where everyone was patting an artist on the back for some great concept he was displaying....and all I could thinbk about was I had seen exactly the same thing years ago, and even on the internet. Their glory boy was just a copy cat. How funny.

Then, IN ADDITION, I sometimes find myself among a crowd who consider themselves to be educated and so important. NONE of them could figure out why their cars won't start if they break, none could plow a field or plant it, none could harvest or hunt game, I doubt if fishing is among their skills either- BUT they sure do act all important talking about yet another of their ilk with the same lack of survival skills. That's nice, splash some paint on the canvas and be a star. Maybe we'll call you Jack the Dripper...oh wait, that's been done too.

Overall, the key is that I am an only child, and we never seem to have the ability to get others to share the work load for what we endeavor. Then, when we go it alone, everyone attacks us and claims we act too good to let anyone help. Funny, I remember countless hours of mind-crushing boredom as my youth. I was the only kid on my street, until that one family moved in when I was like 9. If I wanted to "play", I had to entertain myself. I learned to rely on nobody but me.

And now that seems to be a curse.

Most of the time I can achieve a task more quickly by myself, than with a group. Oh well. Whatever.

The Past.

Fear is the mother of violence. Fear seperates by class and race, usually with good reason.

Music was all I ever wanted, drugs everything I hated. Cocaine cowboys destroyed the Florida I loved. A Florida of boats, ships and old planes lumbering around for the hell of it. Turned everything into a drug deal. I hated coke, coke users and coke dealers. And they were everywhere.

I left.

I wanted no part of any of it. I stopped talking to people that had been close friends because of it. Anything to stay away from it.

It replaced most of what I valued. I remember being in California the first time I saw Miami Vice and was thinking how toned down from reality it was, when the people in the room started laughing at it for being so wild. That's when you keep your mouth shut. No one would believe you anyway.

I hate the coke heads who provided the demand most. You destroyed nightlife, art, music, clubs...everything. Then you had your yuppie dreams that ran over life how it was meant to be. Blowing coke up your nose, going to church and voting republicain like your frat buddies did too. And all these years later you are so respectable.

Guess its yet another reason I want the borders to be more secure. Remember how bad it all got after Castro dumped all those criminals on us? No....? Is it any surprise I carry so much anger towards illegals who have nearly killed me a couple of times from behind the wheel?

My anger and indignation knows few bounds. If only there was a way to make those bastards who destroyed the good part of America pay for it in their own blood. Somebody should replinish the vaults of blood, sweat and tears that it took to create the place the first time.

There are few of that kind of people left. I recently meet one, but even he is getting old. I just barely remember what they look like. I'm not, I have just been trying to survive.

Bastards.

Timing is Everything.

I've spent a LOT of time this last week looking at videos of the Metal scene of the early 80's. With Prog roots, I happened to sound more like Motorhead that Marillion, which was fine by me. Both were great bands.

I cashed it out and burned all the bridges and moved to California to be involved. Problem was, three weeks before the move, after the fires were raging, the destination changed from LA to Stockton because of my future roomate. That was all fine for HIM, but looking at the timing of it all, it neatly kept me 400 miles from where I NEEDED to be at the time. The fincial trama of the move and car troubles buried me so I might just as well have stayed in Florida. In fact, seeing what CRAP came out of the area four years after I left means I might have actually had a chance even there.

I always seem to have a feel for what is coming next, in music and every other thing that interests me. When I used to hang it all out to dry, put all my eggs in one basket, etc....I usually achieved things. Now I have a CROP of projects at all levels that needs finshing. I am trying to remember how to live for today and just do things.

Some choices might seem weird- like the desire to paint my somewhat abused 4 x 4 in an olive drab type green with a flat black hood. It already looks like its out to run over you, why not go with it?

So many projects, so little time, er...money. Someday. Someday hopefully soon.

One of the good things.....

...about life is the fact that I realized the business was in for a downfall some two years ago when the economy started to go bad. That prompted me to enroll in school to be able to go to something else if need be. I am now 6 labs away from completing two of three major portions of the program. I wonder if I can pound them out next week? Time will tell. When they are all done I still have to test with the FAA, but that shouldn't prove overly hard. The instruction has been amazing, so I should pass with flying colors.

After all this is done and I am working there are two plans (after bills are caught up, of course), a camera that will do what I need it to do, and software to go with it- and flying lessons. BOTH of which will be saved for in advance and then done non-stop so as to achieve them faster.

Things in history class today got me to thinking more about the fact that I have been in business for like 16 years and never taken a loan out to keep things going. Guess I have actually done better than 99.999999% of people who ever go into business. BUT...I have a bent for my next business. Still in planning stages, but someday....;<>!

Never a dose of Sanity again....

I never really liked The Beatles. I did like George Harrison. Seemed like he was a dose of sanity in his own bright hearted way.

Perhaps I am depressed at how long he's been gone. It's been like 7 years now or something? I sure could use a new album from him. They always seems to hit the spot, like a cup of good tea on a warm morning. I miss tea too I guess.

Brainwashed.

Might be the end I see coming....

So...the owner of the facility I call the main location wants to "reveiw the rent" again. That's his code for raising it. Each time he does so, its usually to the turn of a couple of hundred dollars a month. If it gets raised this time, I think its time to kill the business. Well, more to the point, I can't afford it and need some income. HE gets paid and I make enough to get gas to get to and from the classes. I could be working nights and finish school and do better than this. Probably make school work a lot easier without the constant strain of what 40 students need to work on.

Let's see, three years ago the gross was 4 times higher than now, and there was a group of about 10 competing members out spreading the word about their group. The facility kept pushing back our starting time to an unreasonable hour where it is now. I don't want to try teaching this late, everyone is too tired and ready for bed by then. Performance has dropped through the floor, as has participation. They won't take part of Fridays, and not outside the group at all.

That's 16 years of work to get nowhere fast. I find by asking that our group is as big or bigger than some other local ones, but the others go show their colors out there. We are a ghost, dead to the world and a thing of the past at this point. It takes money to bring a ghost back to life, and I have zero left. Had it not been for the wife paying rent at home....this would have all ended a year ago.

The real focus has to remain on finishing school, as its becoming very clear there is no future with the current set-up. I feel so stupid for breaking myself for this...I hope at least someone later figures out how good they had it. Should I have never done it and let everyone drive 91 miles each way for a lesson like I had to? No matter how much I want it to survive (with or without me, future job permitting), it appears there will be no legacy to all my sacrifice.

Currently, not counting what taxes would take, I am making $5.83 an hour to take on all this stress. Gezz, Minimum wage in the state is $8.00 an hour. I could work at McBlandburgers and make more than I make now......I really needed this depression today, didn't I?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Post script- Yes, the rent has been raised.

Dog Gone.

In a stunning first intelligent move of the Iraq war, the US government has allowed a dog seperated from its soldier owner to come to the US to be with its owner.

World wide reaction to this stunning flash of common sense has paralyzed the news services, many of whom simply ignored the story.

Welcome to America, you Dog you!

Headache From Hell

I have had a headache for 4 days straight now. Not a little one that goes away, but an ever increasing one that is killing me. The Friday mid-term was hell to handle as a result. Sleep isn't helping much, and my eyes won't focus right. I think maybe this is a concussion from getting whacked in the head on Wed or so. I hate head injuries.

Bitter as Hell.

This is the future we all dreaded in 1981. The others actually turned out to be right. I was the hopeful one.

My best friends of youth all dead, useless wars abound.

Morons of the first magnitude joust for the role of leadership.

Africa gives nothing to the world except aids. Those doe eyed kids from 81? Thier haulin AK's and making as many kids as they like with no end to the killing. Why did we bother? Why should we again?

Machines improve the killing.

Music has gone down the drain.

There are no heros, no poets for the times. There is no sacrifice to the alter of the bigger picture of what really matters.

Why bother anymore? No place left to hide. Nothing you can do against the mind-numbed world of the internet.

Teachers send you to the internet without regard for verification? WTF?!?!?!?!?

Dreams cruished by PC attitudes, the bastard child of yuppie bullshit. The actual children self-serving assholes of the highest magnitude. What happened to the energy of youth? The economy of cashing in on it...? can you say "Hot Topic"?

How could it have all turned out so badly?

Honor a Soldier, Save Her Dog!!!

Seems like when you put your life on the line for your country, the least they could do is allow you to save one small soul (o.k., a dog's soul...) yourself. There is a link in the title and from it a link to a petition to reunite a hard-working solider and her dog!

I Am A Thing Of The Past.

It's true. I have been passed over by time. Of course, long ago I obsessed with history, art, music, etc......

While I have adapted and re-invented myself over and over again, I have no desire to do so yet again. The ghosts of my past haunt me so. Too many lives gone, lives that I once knew. Aids, murder, premature death. They scar me.Gains me nothing now, need to find a way to keep it from wasting so much of my mind's time.Working on re-inventing now, but that seems to bring me current to maybe the mid 70's or so. Perhaps cutting edge is the world I should pursue to finally get somewhere meaningful.

But now I find that nothing I liked impresses me any longer at all. To say I have lost the fire to create isn't exactly correct, but it needs to be applied and marketable at this point. Bizzillions of people create things of low to no merit. I want more.

It seems a shame, but the world of video games has run rampant over every other artform/ activity.I hate virtual worlds, unless they have a real world application. Now it seems, if one wants to excel and create, it must be done at the feet of the video game.

Maybe a place so far from everything that you have to make your own power wouldn't be bad. Maybe a life without technology like this wouldn't be bad.

Wish I could sleep.

3.5 Years

So there I was at the Miramar Air Show, chatting with a Harrier pilot. He was a young fellow, no more than 25 years old. In course of conversation I asked how long he had been flying. For some reason I expected to hear he soloed at 16 and that sort of thing. Instead, his answer was "About three and a half years, been flying the Harrier for a year now."

GEEZ!

It all rather sunk in later. Yes, I have made some progress in life over the last couple of years, but I ceratinly didin't go from nothing to piloting something like the Harrier.

OK, gotta make the NEXT 3.5 years count. I have already taken some steps towards making them count as a result of this realization.......

Rollin'

Nothing better than a late night bicycle ride. All the nuts in cars are asleep and the roads are free of exhaust fumes. Good for the body, good for the badly damaged knees, good to use the damned iPod anyway and listen to loud shit you never listen to anymore anyway. Don't expect I'll ever actually enjoy daytime rides......

I would venture to say that this was my best bike ride since Feb of 1988 when I trashed my road bike and got attacked by a dog afterwards on the way home. I am not at the level I was then by any means, but the good feeling of how I used to bike was there. (There really was never a good feeling commuting on the mountain bike for those years in the 90's....). This is what you need to succeed.

Work Vs Passion in Life

For some reason people think my job is my passion in life. I hear "It must be great to be able to do something you love as your job!" over and over again. I was thinking that too, so I went back to school to try and get a job in Aviation- which is something I love!

I have many, many interests. They include, but are not limited to: Aviation, Space, Bicycling, shooting sports, high power rocketry, history, writing, music, automobiles and trucks, sailing and any number of other things that rotate in and out of my veiw in what seem to be cycles.

What I do for a living was once an interest, a strong one- but never a passion. Now it is a job. It's just that I approach any job with a lot of energy and focus. Usually it gets me fired, because everyone then thinks you are out to climb the ladder and take their jobs away. I have never given a damn about taking any manager's job away. There are bigger things in life to put one's effort into. I suppose this is why so many think I am having the time of my life at this current employment. Is it wrong to do your best to do a good job at anything you are involved in?

But it certainly isn't my PASSION in life.....;<>!!!

Screw Your 700 Billion Dollar Bailout!

Here, I have a BETTER idea:

First, let's freeze the assets of everyone from the top to the bottom of the lending/ investing industry. That's right, the CEO's down to the Loan Officers who were living high on the hog selling everybody loans they couldn't afford.

That's right, ALL of them. Like any of them are innocent...treat them like a vanquished army. There certainly has to be enough equity in all they own to bail this all out. The money went somewhere didn't it? That would be their pockets and paychecks!

FACE IT: If these people were caught growing pot, everything they owned would be seized by the government. The next line would be "We can't prove what you bought with legally earned money, and what was bought with money generated by illegal means, so we are taking it all." Treat Wall Street the same way, "We can't tell what was bought with money from sensible business, and what was bought with money earned from bad loans, so we are keeping it all."

THEN, sell it at cost, not what they paid for it all and use the money to bail their industry out. Gee....ain't that the way it works for the rest of us?

The problem with bailing this industry out is that they get to screw up bigger than anyone else ever, and they all get to keep their overpaid jobs and earn money while the people dying under bad loans try and get new home loans. Maybe they should have to set up and provide GOOD loans without benefit of a commision when they do so...why pay them twice, once for the bad loan and once for a good one?!?!?!?!??


SCREW WALL STREET!

(While you are at it nationalize the oil companies that have been bleeding us all dry and use those assests to help fix things...! Record profits and they need to raise prices, my ass!)

Need To Ride/ Forgetting Propellers

Need something to clear details of Hamilton Standard Hydromatic Propellers, Curtiss Electric Propellers and countless other Propellers from my mind! I am so watered down and wet under the weight of their baldes I could burst. Almost feeling good enough to excercise some now, sickness be gone.

Bad, bad day yesterday...a friends brother was killed at his work. Super bummer. Don't know what to say.

I really need a ride.

Cycled.

Got on the bike and rode. Need to do it more.

I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM!!!!!!

Let me sing it from the mountains, let me ring it from the valleys...I didn't vote for the moron in the White House!

Here we are at the end of 8 years, and I've had to listen to all the crap about what a great leader Bush is. I had to listen to how badly screwed up the USA was as a result of Clinton, and how Bush was going to turn this place around and make it better!

I may not like 100% of what Clinton did, or stood for...BUT...the place sure ran better when he was in charge. Of course, the loudmouths said his first 4 years were simply riding on the coattails of the pres before him. OK. So the second four years were his doing? LET'S USE THAT LOGIC NOW: The first four years f what Bush did were the results of Clinton's work, and the last four reflect Bush's work.....OPPS! But if the loud mouths were going to force this logic on me for all that time- IT'S THEIR TURN!

Let's look at the highlights of what Bush has achieved:

He put the country into two wars on widely separated fronts that he couldn't win quickly. (Guess he made a "C" in history when they talked about how that worked out for Hitler in the Big One.)

He's gotten scores of young US soldiers killed.

The National Guard is MIA and unable to help during disasters because they are trudging around someplace overseas searching for WMD's or something or other.

The country can't support itself because all the money goes to running these wars.

His VP shot a lawyer. (OK, maybe they did do something positive).(( Not really, I have friends who are lawyers, and they are awfully nice people too...))

All his buddies in the oil business are making record profits and laying to the public about having to hold prices for oil products so high.

He's made the situation so bad that many people think a mulatto man claiming to be black is a viable choice to replace him.

He's made the situation so bad his own party is doing the best they can to sabotage their own Presidential campaign, so that they won't be in office when the whole place comes down around their feet.

He's brought back memories of the Great Depression and the Stock Market Crash of 1929, all in one fell swoop!



The best solution for him is a final solution, wherein NONE of his direct family members survive, so they may never wreak havoc on the world again.I guess I understand why they used to kill the king...AND their whole family.

Anyone else notice that when TEXAS is threatened by a hurricane, the Federal Government is all over it like flies on shit? Like we didn't see THAT coming....

Whta's Wrong With The Two Main Political Parties?

NO order here at all:

The Dems have Obama, a mulatto male acting like he's black. I'm soo tired of hearing about him being raised by a single mother. Single mothers don't usually trot the globe, living on research grants and drag their spoiled child along. Well, black ones don't at least. So it's a good thing for Obama his mom wasn't black.

And another thing...why is it that anyone in the USA that has ANY black heritage is pounced upon to proclaimed ONLY that portion of their heritage? Like Jimi Hendrix. Or Tiger Woods (At least HE doesn't place the whole annoying race thing!).As for Obama, why would he embrace the culture of the parent that abandoned him in the first place? Oh, and created him while still married to another woman anyway. Yeah, THAT'S the part of my heritage I would want to proclaim.

And the whole "I had to live with my poor grandma" bit....wasn't she a retired bank vice-president? ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? What an asshole. I can't see how anybody would trust a fool who has never even owned a business or been in charge of ANYTHING for any length of time. Remember when HE said about Hillary that being President wasn't the place for on the job training? Hmm...maybe it is for false black men like him.....


Then he picks a pretty reasonable person as Vice Pres to run with him.OK, great.

Then the Repubs. They found a pit bull of a guy who is at least schooled in combat and tactics. If I were stuck in a uniform I'd probably vote for him on this alone. At least he has a chance to wind down the wars like he means it. So he's old, SO WHAT? Oh yeah, he isn't the most popular skin color, I forgot. Because white people have done nothing in the USA except oppress the minorities, and since he's white, it's all his fault. Everyone should vote against him because of the color of his skin, which is why everyone should vote for the half black guy...he's not as white! (But he IS more of a spoiled rich college boy lawyer than the white guy....).

THEN they go and ruin it with the world's WORST candidate in history. Sarah "Soccer Mom" Palin. Yeah, we all know the deluded masses of soccer moms is what helped get Bushie in office...twice. But what idiot would actually want one running the country?!?!?!?! Most NORMAL people HATE soccer moms and their greater than thou raving christian attitudes. The whole bridge to nowhere thing? Its such a christian response she gives "God forgave me, so I don't care if you do". As for pit bulls wearing lipstick, they would certainly be more attractive that this middle age slag with the fuck me red pumps and the on her back daughter parading around like they are better than us. What was the bumper sticker I saw? Something like, "My bastard grandchild is a wonderful gift from god, yours is a social disaster that taxes the economy and is a mistake."

And she would be one chicken bone away from running the country? WHAT?!?!?!!? Ever seen a self-proclaimed soccer mom run anything important correctly without fucking it up and bringing in only her friends and buddies to work it? NOPE!


What kind of crap country is it that can get only two seemingly reasonable people out of four to run for office, and then not even on the same ticket?

Back to the chicken bone- It sorts out like this: If the Dems win, they'll need bucket's of the Colonel's best sent to the White House everyday. If the Repubs win they'll need a gate guard to prevent the delivery guy from getting there....


WHY should I vote...HOW can I vote? I really regret not selling everything I owned and moving to another place to live all those years ago. I wonder if I could pull it off now.....

...and one MORE thing.

The history class I am taking is the worst piece of revisionist crap I have ever heard. How does crap like this un-supported propaganda get taught anyway? I am finding that "college" has no relationship to reality anyway. It seems to be half-wit wanna-bes with their own agendas to preach. I wish to hell they had to work at real jobs.

How can anyone stand a class where half the people in it don't know where someplace called "Spain" is located on the planet?

Closer than a Razor Thin sheet of paper.

I get tired of not being able to sleep. At worst, I can't focus on anything, and having the internet is like leaving me the keys to a huge public library. I end up spending far too much time looking up this and that from way back when. I have become quite annoyed at how many times I was right next to something/ someone famous or successful. Its happened over and over. I usually find that such and such lived within a mile and used to be part of this or that group that I was hanging out with. They include a famous woman who became an actress on a tv show, another who used to be a guitarist and ended up acting, producers, musicians that made it after all, and god knows who else. I did all the same things as most of them. Worked hard, moved to try and make it at something.Guess none of them damn near got killed by an illegal alien in a car wreck like me. It certainly depresses me at what should/ could have been. I am tired of working so hard for so little.

Every kid with 2 weeks playing guitar can start recording at home now. I've lost interest in most music when its that simple.

8 gizzilion people can write and self-publish. The challenge was to write something that others valued enough to buy. The numbers of writers now means "Who cares"? and why bother.

I feel like the guy in Amadeus most of the time....

Just Sail Away

A couple of weekends back at a harbour, and all I want to do is ditch it all, get a sailboat, and just sail away. Working numbers shows it would be cheaper than flying, but I still want to reach the sky. Perhaps a sail would be a nice step inbetween. Getting more done on left over labs required to finish getting certified to work on airplanes. Job prospects seem ok overall. One would be awesome, but don't think I want the danger of the work locations involved. Then again, to be debt free from even student loans in like a year is very alluring. Be closer to sails and wings then too....

Can't shake the feeling that something is wrong

used to be a line from a song of mine. Can't remember last time I got to play an instrument. Tired of picking up after the dog and everything else instead.

A Lot Slower Than I Used To Be.

Been reading Larry Brown again. It used to be Kerouac, but he's long gone long. Too bad, opened his mouth and got his ass handed to him around my age. Guess I should be happy I am healthier than he was. But oh so injured.

Damned knee is giving me so much grief I barely notice the pain in my neck and back. Damned reading giving me so much pain, 'cause I am starting to remember what used to matter so much. Wonder if I can get back to writing? Been a few years now. Just got a glimpse of what I was supposed to do this life again.

But I'm so much older than I used to be......

Back To The Grind....

School starts this morning. I was only able to get like 3 hours sleep before waking up too stressed to go back to sleep. Have a Gened class and ground school. Then the rest of the day os spent with catching up my labs to get my certificate of completion...so I can go test with the FAA.

When is somebody going to invent liquid sleep? I sure need a half a six pack right now....

How Many More Mondays Are There These Week?

Got a headache around Thursday of last week and it has yet to go away. My stomach has been sick and churning since Friday...and it has yet to go away. Have done some stuff needed, but not a lot. The phone has gone insane (I hope thats good) and I am far, far behind in getting messages. They keep piling up on top of ones not yet checked.

Monday first got the news that the bottom end of the Miata is screwed. Time to yank the engine and rebuild it. No problem at all as far as doing the work. Problem is a seriuos lack of cash.

Today the truck seems to have ingested portions of its front brake system, meaning tomorrow is spent trying ot get it rolling before 6:00 p.m. I mean, for gods sake, that two vehicles killed in two days! And I thought I was going to get started on reviving the Jeep tomorrow.

Staying up all night to keep up with the Olympic Fencing events. Womens Sabre was a mess, they call that fencing? All hopping around and counterattack. No defense, no compound actions (unless they made some sort of mistake...). All flailing and counterattack. And these people laugh at epee? There have been more parries in epee than women's sabre...!

Women's Foil has to be just about the best Foil Fencing I have ever seen. The Gold Bout was beyond awesome. Men Epee Gold rocked also, so very much going on under the stinky, sweaty masks there! Didn't see much og M Sabre, but happy that some new country got up to mattering in it.

Women's epee has a cross-sectioon of actual epee fencers, and folks who must prefer foil, because they certainly fence like they have a foil in their hands. The epeeists seem to be taking them down. They ain't shown M Foil thus far, would like to see if it is as awesome as the women's foil group.

OK, sick again. Maybe I sleep.

Used To Be Ahead of the Curve

I used to be ahead of the curve. I always obsessed on my interests to the point of knowing more than anyone else I'd meet. It was good, it was progress in life.

Got in that car wreck and wrecked my brain. All for what? To pay rent and work and utterly boring job I hated that had nothing to do with my goals/ dreams. I sacrificed my hopes for the mundane and got stuck there. I dig through stuff as I move and see all sorts of glimpses of who I used to be, and the roads I was on. I have forgotten more on most subjects than most people ever know. What a sad/ weird truth that is.The only truth the last 15 years has focused on is the harder you work, the more you will get screwed for it.

Who knows what to be now, with this mixed bag of information, at this time in history and this age on life? I suppose it starts with knowing what you are and no longer want to be...? Hmmmm...what book to reread this 20 years later? Who has time, its been a year or more without my car. I need to find nmy books and fix it myself.

Hyacinth. Rootless and jammed into the bank.This I understand.